The Kiss
by azqwest
Summary: A MerDer/Dose fic. Formerly a 1-shot. Meredith knows about the kiss. And she didn't hear about it from Derek.
1. Chapter 1

(In fanatic anticipation of the end of DeRose, I had to do a one-shot. I swear, Shonda is driving me nuts. I don't own the show, nor the characters.)

"I heard all about it."

The faint lavender scent reached him before her voice did. Purposely inhaling, drawing the scent deep within him, Derek scribbled in the chart, noting the change in Mr. Patterson's meds. Tucking the pen in the pocket of his lab coat, he slid the chart across to the nurse, who lingered to observe the interaction between the attending and resident. Already dismissing their audience from his mind, Derek straightened and turned to face the speaker.

Meredith.

In wrinkled scrubs and her dirty blonde hair back in a messy ponytail, Meredith managed to look beautiful while exhausted. She always did. Her hazel eyes red and swollen, reflecting a level of hurt Derek hadn't seen for months. Not since Addison's time in Seattle. Derek wished he could plead dumb, pretend not to know what she was talking about. But a sense of dread over the coming conversation battled for dominance with feelings of love and pain. The kiss wasn't meant to happen. He still wasn't sure why it did. Rose was a pleasant person, but she wasn't Meredith. And now Meredith knew about the kiss.

"Meredith..." Derek sighed. He grimaced at the hint of tears in her eyes. Stoic, Meredith stood before him, crossing her arms across her chest.

"Shut up. This is me not avoiding and communicating. So. Shut. Up." Taking a deep breath, she continued. "As I was saying, I heard about it. Many, many times. It's amazing, the number of people, nurses specifically," Meredith glanced at the shamelessly eavesdropping nurse, forcing the older woman to turn her attention back to Mr. Patterson's chart. "Who felt they had a civic duty to let me know what you and Rose did in the scrub room."

"Mer, I was going to tell you..." Derek stepped forward, his hand reaching for her but dropping when Meredith shuffled backward, keeping a buffer of space between them. The skin of her arms whitened as they tightened around her. His heart dropped as Meredith rejected his touch. Rejected him. Again.

"I guess I can't fault you for the kiss, Derek. Rose is ready, willing and able, and I'm..." Meredith groaned. "I'm not sure what I am anymore. But I want to be. Ready, willing and able. I really, really want to be. And I'm working on it. What makes this hurt so much is that deep down, you know that."

The noise of the nurses' station and hallway faded as Derek faced Meredith. His guilt forced everything to fade as her words registered. He did know. He knew she was working on it.

Aware of the growing and attentive audience behind the desk, Derek maneuvered Meredith away from the nurses' station, a dozen steps down the hall and around a corner. The hallway was surprisingly quiet and deserted as Derek trapped Meredith against the wall. He blocked her avenue of escape with his body. Close enough to again catch the scent of lavender but doing his damnedest to respect her wish for space. Meredith averted her face, training her eyes on the end of the empty corridor.

"Meredith, I don't know what to say, other than I love you. I want to be with you – forever. But you won't let me, and yes, I know. I'm frustrated, pissed, hurt, and missing you like crazy."

One tear slipped out and down Meredith's cheek. Before he realized what he was doing, Derek's hand cupped the side of her face, his thumb brushing the wetness away. Meredith closed her eyes, her face turning into the warmth of Derek's hand. Her arms relaxed enough to fall to her sides. Another tear seeped out.

"When I had to decide between you and Finn, you told me to take all the time I need because I had an important decision to make." Meredith reluctantly turned to look at Derek. "Do you remember telling me that?" Derek slowly nodded, keeping Meredith's face cupped in his hand. "What happened to time Derek? Hell, when I feel like I've taken two steps forward, you manage to push me four steps back."

Confused, Derek's hand fell away from Meredith's cheek. "Four steps back? What are you talking about?"

"My two steps forward. Towards you. I was going to tell you that I wanted to stop the S&M. That I didn't want you to date anyone else. But you were in surgery."

Derek closed his eyes, not able to face the pain in Meredith's face. He knew she meant with Rose.

"I ignored Sidney for the token joke date that it was. But you chose Addison and you kissed Rose," Meredith sniffed. "What the hell am I supposed to do now?"

The rawness of her voice nearly brought Derek to his knees. Meredith thought that, once again, he was choosing someone else over her. He fought the urge to take Meredith by the shoulders and shake her. Or kiss her senseless. "I don't want Rose. I want you."

"You have a piss poor way of showing it," Her watery chuckle sounded forced. "I want you too. I want forever. But I'm scared to death. Every time I think you're within reach, you're not. You pick other women over me. You tell me you don't think you want to breathe for me anymore."

"Tell me what I can do to fix this." Each sentence tightened the vise around Derek's chest. Especially the last one. Derek remembered being obscenely frustrated and emotionally shutting down himself when he made that incredibly stupid statement to Meredith. He started to panic. "I want to breathe for you Meredith. Hell, I'd die for you. I'm dying slowly right now. Tell me how to fix this."

For the first time since the beginning of their discussion, Meredith looked Derek squarely in the eyes. He could see a mixture of love and fear darkening her gaze, which roamed the strong features of his face. He wasn't sure how long they stood like that. Could have been a few seconds or minutes, when Meredith raised a hand to his face. She gently traced the small scar on his forehead, an old reminder of his motorcycle days, before her finger dropped to trace the line of his upper lip. Meredith replaced her finger with her lips. The contact was sweet, but brief. Derek's body urged him to deepen the kiss, to spin Meredith around, flatten her against the wall and kiss her till she believed in them. Till she could look at him without fear or pain. Her mouth reluctantly pulled away and she stepped back before Derek could wrap his arms around her.

"I don't know." Her whispered reply hung in the air as Derek watched Meredith walk down the hallway, and through the small group of nurses congregating near the nurses' station before turning left and out of his sight. The busybodies scattered in her wake, and fixed their attention on Derek. Straightening his lab coat, Derek followed Meredith down the hallway. Ignoring the gaggle of nurses observing him with great interest, Derek paused to catch a glimpse of Meredith, but she was gone. Sadly, he walked in the opposite direction.


	2. Chapter 2

(So much for my 1-shot. This is turning into at least a 3- or 4-shot. Plus, it's no fun working on this update while watching the GA 4.11 promos. I'm not holding my breath for the episode. But I'm hoping the developing friendship between Derek and Miranda will have her going Bailey on his ass about his mess with Meredith next season. And a big THANK YOU to greydayz!)

"It's been a week, and you still don't know?"

Cristina and Meredith seated themselves at the bar, waving hello to Joe. After an awkward and stressful several days and nights of avoiding Derek, who also seemed to be in avoidance mode, Meredith was content to be away from the hospital, and not sharing the same building with him. She didn't want to think about him at all tonight. She wanted to think about something else for once. Something painless.

The crowd was light tonight, and Meredith hoped it stayed that way. She wasn't in the mood to deal with a crush of bodies. "It's been a week and I still don't know." But her brain was slowly wrapping around a decision. Derek kissed another woman. The disappointment was still strong. Still painful and raw. Derek had said he loved her, wanted to marry her, to grow old with her, want a life with her, but he clearly wanted another woman. Brought back unwanted memories of the surprise wife, of divorce papers and their scrub room moment. Derek's 'She's my wife' anchored itself in the back of brain. Meredith waited for Joe to serve them, really wanting the bite of tequila to make everything go away.

"And McDreamy doesn't have a clue? The nurses seem to." Cristina didn't miss the buoyant mood of the female nursing staff all week.

"How could he know if I don't? Meredith shook her head. "And screw the nurses."

"Ok, screw the nurses. But we are talking about an arrogant neurosurgeon, aren't we? Doesn't he know all? He seemed to when he laid one on her in the scrub room."

"I see your point. Anyway, change of topic. God, I am so tired. And happy this place isn't a zoo tonight. I'm so not in the mood for a crowd." Resting an elbow on the bar, Meredith propped up her weary head.

Cristina grabbed the bowl of pretzels Joe slid in front of them. "Were you hoping to land a frisky but drunk zoo animal tonight?"

"What are you talking about?" Meredith grabbed the bowl from under Cristina's grasping hand.

"Though it's not possible for you to be hotter than me, you do look hot tonight. I detect a little extra effort." Keeping her balance, Cristina made a show of leaning back on her bar stool to give Meredith a once over. Her exaggerated movement drew the attention of a few male patrons.

"Oh please. I put on some lipstick before we left the hospital and pulled out my scrunchie. That's not effort." Meredith protested, pushing the bangs off her forehead.

"With our jobs, lipstick, brushed hair and clean clothes, especially tops showing a bit of boob, constitute an effort."

"Shut up Cristina." Meredith's hand went to the v-neck of her black sweater. Not daring to admit she had wondered if Derek would be here tonight, Meredith knew she was in trouble. Even though Derek was now a permanent fixture at the top of her shit list, she missed him. She didn't want to see him, but she needed a glimpse. Like a drug addict, a quick fix. So sad. So pathetic. And she's pissed at Derek for making her feel this way. "Where's Joe?" Meredith mumbled. Where's the tequila?

"All I'm saying is that I'm hotter than you." Cristina turned to view the half empty bar. "Looks like you'll be going home alone. It's a quiet night."

"I want a quiet night. No boy penises." Meredith crunched on a pretzel. "They're too much trouble."

"Stick around, it will pick up later," Joe sat cocktail napkins down on the bar. "If either of you had been in at all this week, I'm sure you would have noticed the late crowd surge."

"Sorry Joe, too many double shifts this week." Meredith smiled apologetically. Joe didn't need to know the bar was part of her plan to avoid Derek.

"I guess McDreamy didn't work any double shifts this week. He must be special." Joe commented.

"Oh, don't you know it Joe." Cristina smirked. "McDreamy is very special."

"Cristina," Meredith rubbed her tired eyes.

Cristina shrugged. Joe was always a good source of info. He always had his eyes open. "So McDreamy was in here this week?"

"Every night," Joe nodded.

"Was he alone?"

"Cristina!" Meredith elbowed Cristina. "Don't!" She really didn't want to hear who met Derek for drinks. She didn't want to hear it was a female. She didn't want to hear that it was Rose. She didn't want more proof that he chose someone else.

Confused, Joe looked at Meredith before addressing Cristina. "Sometimes."

"Give us the usual, will ya Joe?" Meredith ignored the look on Joe's face and took a deep, bracing breath, pushing the nasty image of Derek, in his good looking red shirt, and some scrub nurse snuggling in a back booth to the very back of her brain. Three or four shots of tequila should push it totally out.

Cristina watched Meredith's face go from pain to anger to...nothing.

"I'll be back."

Joe sat their drinks down, and with Cristina, watched Meredith walk into the women's bathroom.

"You've heard?"

Joe stared at the women's bathroom door for a beat before turning back to Cristina. "Who hasn't? The nurses were in good spirits this week."

Cristina leaned forward. "Tell me Joe, who was Shepard with?"

The door chime prevented Joe from answering as he glanced over to see the latest arrival. His stillness caused Cristina to turn around in time to see Derek enter, briefcase in hand, and take a direct path to a back corner booth. With great effort, Cristina turned back to the bar.

"Here," Cristina slid the drinks toward Joe. "Keep an eye on these."

"Why?"

"So I don't throw them at McDreamy."

The door chime announced the arrival of more bodies. Cristina hated to see a small group of noisy nurses come in, including a dark-haired nurse who joined Derek in the booth. He had smiled at the woman in greeting. "Forget what I said Joe," she motioned for the drinks. Joe slid them back over. "And let me have two more."

"Here," Joe set the second set of drinks down. "I'll keep him away." He set off with a glass of scotch in hand.

"What the hell did I do to deserve this?" Meredith cursed as she climbed on her bar stool. "I can't even pee in peace. A couple of damn nurses came in saying 'McDreamy this' and 'McDreamy that' so I got the hell out of there." Grabbing the shot of tequila, Meredith quickly downed it. "Have I mentioned that I really hate that damn scrub room?"

Cristina leaned towards Meredith. "Don't turnaround, don't move, but Derek is in the back corner with what's-her-name."

" 'What's-her-name?' That's the best you can come up with?" Meredith stifled a smirk.

"She's not worth the effort." Cristina waved her empty glass in the air. "And neither is he."

"What does she look like?" Meredith turned toward Cristina. Keeping her attention locked on Cristina stopped her head from turning toward the booth in the back.

"Eh," Cristina shrugged. "Like a scrub nurse. Average, nondescript, dark-haired. But she does remind me of someone." Cristina studied her glass, as if the answer will be found floating in the tequila. "I know! The incredible Mr. Ed." Cristina raised her glass high and whinnied.

Meredith couldn't help herself. She giggled. Cristina's comment wasn't that funny, but she couldn't stop giggling. Her eyes watered. It was a strange feeling. Like steam escaping through a valve, and her pressure gauge read zero. An easiness she hadn't felt since confronting Derek about the kiss. A brief escape from the shadow of the damn kiss.

"You do have a great laugh."

Wiping moisture from her cheek, Meredith turned in the direction of the totally male voice. Cristina turned also, but her attention was subtly trained on the back corner booth.


	3. Chapter 3

It took an effort to keep his smile in place. Slouching in his seat, Derek slowly sipped his scotch while Rose chatted with Joe as he delivered her beer. All he had wanted tonight was a quiet drink. And a whiff of Meredith. Somehow, it became an unspoken agreement that they avoid each other during working hours. But crossing paths at Joe's was a different story. At least that's what he had told himself, visiting Joe's every evening. Pathetically, he had waited for Meredith to stop in, but she never did. He'd sit and wonder if she knew he'd be here. Maybe Meredith had known, and stayed away. Might have been for the best right now. He still didn't know what to say to her. God. What a mess.

He wished Joe would move so he could sit and take in the wonder that was Meredith. Derek had been relieved when he had seen Meredith exit the women's restroom and join Cristina at the bar. Derek snuck a glance at his watch. He heard Joe admire the engagement ring around Rose's neck. Sighing, Derek looked at his watch again. Where the hell was Mark?

"Do you Derek?"

"Sorry, what did you say?"

"I asked if you had any pets." Rose repeated, as Joe moved onto another booth.

How the hell did the conversation move from the ring to pets? "I had a dog, but he died." Damn, why did Finn have to come to mind? A door opened in the dark recess of Derek's memory, showing a wet Meredith walking down those stairs. His grip on the glass of scotch tightened.

Rose had been sharing a story involving her three cats when Derek noticed him. Tall, dark-haired and wearing a well-cut grey suit. Derek slowly straightened up in his seat. He was talking to Meredith, and she was smiling up at him. Perched on the edge of her bar stool and slightly leaning forward, the v-neck of Meredith's snug black sweater giving the interloper a good glimpse of cleavage. Derek wanted to push the jerk back as he inched closer to Meredith. He remembered how much of a glimpse that sweater gave. Up until now, it had been one of his favorites. Derek glanced at Cristina. She caught him in the middle of mentally kicking the shit out of the guy. He wasn't too surprised at the smirk on her face.

"I hope you don't mind my dropping in like this," Rose asked. "We saw you sitting here, and I wanted to say hello. My friends won't miss me." Rose turned to the table holding her fellow nurses and waved.

Derek reluctantly dragged his attention from Meredith and the goof in the suit. No, he thought, her friends won't miss her because they were too busy watching Rose try to flirt with him. Having an audience during surgery he could handle. It was expected. But not here. "No, I don't mind, but I am expecting someone."

"Are you expecting Dr. Grey?" Rose turned towards the bar. "She looks like she's with someone." Turning back to Derek, Rose sat expectantly. Derek tried to ignore that her friends looked over at the bar at the same time Rose did, and were now whispering about Suit Guy.

Derek looked at Rose. The way her dark hair sat against her shoulders. The hopeful expression in her dark eyes. He had to admit their conversations this past week were enjoyable. Always work related, but with a slight flirtatious edge. Derek found her attention a soothing balm in contrast to Meredith's anger and angst. She had a quiet, calming presence about her.

"Do I have foam on my lip?" Rose brushed a hand over her mouth.

"What?"

"You're staring at me, Dr. Shepard," Rose quirked an eyebrow. "I wondered if I had beer foam on my lip."

Derek found his eyes trained on her lips. "No, nothing there." Her lips were full and pink, and gently smiling. The kiss had been nice.

Meredith's giggle shifted his attention back to the bar. In the few minutes Derek's attention had drifted, Suit Guy had claimed the bar stool next to Meredith. He was sitting too close for Derek's comfort. And it looked like Meredith was on her second glass of tequila. The heated flash of anger overtook Derek before he knew it. It filled every molecule of his being. Suit Guy actually dared to place a hand on Meredith's shoulder as he leaned behind her to grab a bowl of pretzels. Derek threw back the rest of his scotch in one gulp. He stared. And he frowned.

"How's it going Yang?" Alex Karev stood next to Cristina and took in Meredith being chatted up by some guy while Derek glared at them.

"Entertaining. I'm watching Wilbur doing a slow burn." Cristina chortled.

Alex motioned for a beer. "Wilbur? Who the hell is Wilbur?"

"Shepard. He's sitting in the corner with Mr. Ed."

"Dude, don't let the nurses hear you say that." Alex knew all about Derek and the scrub nurse. What little he had heard from Meredith via Izzie, the blanks were filled in by the nurses and hospital scuttlebutt. They were damn happy one of their own had snagged Doctor McDreamy away from Meredith.

"Who cares," Cristina shrugged. "What are you doing here? I thought you were off?"

Alex leaned into Cristina, speaking quietly. "Izzie called me. It's all over the hospital that Derek and Rose are here on a date while Meredith is sitting weepy-eyed at the bar. So I came to help."

"Help? Help with what?" Cristina tilted her head toward Meredith and Suit Guy. "She doesn't need help."

Alex found a vacant bar stool and sat it next to Cristina. "She might. I'm staying."


	4. Chapter 4

Alex sat back on his bar stool and watched. Between sips of beer and handfuls of pretzels, he watched Derek Shepard sit across from Nurse Rose. He watched Derek Shepard smile at Nurse Rose. He even watched Derek Shepard treat Nurse Rose to a head tilt. And in between each and every movement of Derek Shepard's body, Alex could see Derek's attention shift across to bar to Meredith and Suit Guy. From his vantage point, Alex could see the faint frown creasing the neurosurgeon's forehead. His perma-frown didn't appear to be going away any time soon. Smirking to himself, Alex began calculating his future cash winnings. Competitive Yang was always up for a bet.

"50 says he doesn't make it 6 weeks."

Cristina turned to Alex. "Who? Suit Guy?"

"No, Shepard." Alex tilted is beer in the direction of the booth. "I give Wilbur and Mr. Ed 6 weeks."

"75 on 4." Cristina knocked her beer bottle against Alex's.

"What about Suit Guy?"

"I'm not betting on Meredith. She's got enough crap at work with everyone watching her every expression around Wilbur and Mr. Ed." Cristina gestured to the table of nurses on date watch. "I'm not adding to that." Besides, Cristina doubted he'd last past tonight. Cristina listened to Meredith giggle at the lame joke uttered by Suit Guy. She was proud of her person. Not once did she look back toward the booth, but Cristina saw pain in her eyes. It was killing her to be in the same room as dating Derek and Rose. But Meredith wasn't drowning her sorrows in tequila. She was standing tall.

Alex slid off his bar stool and made his way to the nurses' table. Questioning, Cristina watched Alex lean toward the three women and speak in low tones. She could tell the women were not happy with what ever Alex said to them. Dirty looks followed him back to the bar.

"They sure hate you. What did you say to them?"

Alex lifted the beer bottle to his lips. "I asked if they wanted in the McDreamy & Rose Dating Death Pool." Cristina exchanged a high five with Alex.

"Death pool? Who's dying? Mark Sloan reached for a pretzel. "Derek?" Mark noticed the scrub nurse with Derek, and Meredith doing her best to ignore them.

"The Dating Death Pool. That Dr. Shepard and the Scrub Nurse don't last 4 weeks," Cristina perked up. "You in?"

"What the hell," Mark shrugged. "I take 3 for a hundred." He leaned across and placed a hand on the Versace-clad shoulder of Suit Guy. After exchanging a few words, Mark headed over to Derek's booth.

Cristina and Alex watched Sloan break up Derek's date. Rose slid out of the booth and moved across to the nurses' table. All three women leaned forward, eager to talk to Rose, and each taking a moment to glare at Alex.

"I bet Sloan has inside dirt on Wilbur," Alex muttered. "Aren't they friends?"

"Hey Alex." Meredith turned her friends, the 'caught in the act' look on their faces spoke volumes. "What are you two talking about?"

"Nothing," Cristina cut off Alex as he opened his mouth. "Just enjoying the floor show. Where's Suit Guy?"

"You're calling him Suit Guy?" Meredith shook her head. "He's a nice guy."

Meredith glanced over to the table now occupied by Suit Guy. He was seated toward the entrance, away from the cluster of nurses and Derek. She exchanged a smile with him. "He's Sloan's investment banker. They're talking Euros, stocks and bonds, or whatever." Meredith spun on her stool, resting both elbows on the bar. She motioned for a beer. Joe placed a bottle in front of Meredith, but declined her payment.

"It's been taken care of," Joe stated.

"By whom?" Unable to stop herself, almost hopefully, Meredith turned toward Derek. He sat hunched over his empty glass, staring at it as if it held an answer, while Mark lounged opposite him. As if sensing her eyes on him, Derek looked up. Meredith held his glance for the heartbeat or two it took Joe to answer her question.

Their connection broken, Derek watched Meredith react to Joe's comment and gesture. Joe was pointing to the jackass who had spent the past 15 minutes with Meredith. Derek knew how long they were together, because he looked at his watch. The tight feeling that had been working his chest for most of the even returned as Meredith lifted her bottle and smiled. She smiled at Asshole Suit Guy.

"Do you know him?"

"Who?"

Derek gestured. "The guy in the grey suit."

"You haven't listened to a single word I've said," Mark chuckled. "Your heads are still spinning from Nurse Rose? I told you I can't stay because I'm having a drink with my investment banker. Poppa needs a new pair of shoes. Besides, I think you've had enough of my sparkling company this week." With a slap on the shoulder, Mark sauntered over to Suit Guy's table, with a flirtatious detour past the nurses' table.

"Yeah, well I hope you choke on your new shoes." Derek muttered as he stood up and made his way toward the bar.


	5. Chapter 5

(Thank you so much for all the wonderful comments. I truly appreciate each and everyone of them. I keep forgetting to point out that I do not own the show nor the characters - they're all Shonda's.)

Every nerve ending and cell in her body was aware of him before he spoke.

"It's not what you think."

Meredith twirled on her bar stool, beer bottle resting against her thigh. Derek wanted to throw the damn bottle to the floor, but instead he pulled it from her hands and placed it on the bar.

"It's not what you think."

"What Derek, what is not what I think?"

Conscious of the eyes of the bar patrons on them, especially Cristina and Alex, he grabbed Meredith's arm and helped her off the barstool. "Can we talk...somewhere else?"

"Mer?" Alex questioned. Cristina also looked ready to intervene.

Grabbing her jacket and purse, Meredith smiled at her friends. "I'm fine. I'm going to talk to Derek then I'm heading home. I'll see you at home Alex?" At Alex's nod, Meredith allowed Derek to escort her to the entrance. Walking to his car, head down sorting through his keys, Derek didn't notice that Meredith had halted by her Jeep parked a few cars up from his Range Rover.

"What? I thought your place or mine?"

Slipping on her jacket, Meredith tossed her purse in the Jeep. "No, this is fine."

Meredith stood tall and quiet. Her face curiously blank. Derek took a deep breath. He really didn't want to have this conversation in the parking lot. He had pictured somewhere more private. "We weren't on a date. I was waiting for Mark and Rose happened to be there."

"Don't think it's any of my concern, Derek." Meredith wrapped her arms about her. Derek wasn't sure if she was warding off the night air or him. "You chose Rose and didn't tell me."

"I didn't choose Rose!" Derek fumed. "And there's nothing to tell."

"Nothing to tell? You said you wanted to marry me, build a house, have kids, die of old age in my arms, and now you're kissing another woman, Derek."

"Damn it, I didn't choose Rose," Derek angrily insisted. "Even though we're dating other people, the kiss isn't a big deal, and I didn't choose Rose."

Meredith ignored him. "Don't worry, I'm used to it. My mother chose surgery over me, my father another family, you chose Addison and Rose." Meredith felt the familiar hurt begin to seep in, the hurt at being left behind by anyone she loved. She had opened herself up to them, and they had walked away without any regret. For once she refused to let it over take her. She had had enough of drowning in that lake of pain.

"Addison," Derek thrust a frustrated hand through his hair. "We're back to that again."

"You didn't tell me about Addison, and you didn't tell me about Rose. I had to hear it from a couple of gossiping nurses." Meredith ground out.

"But we're dating other people!" Derek couldn't stop his escalating frustration, which was feeding into his hidden anger.

"I told you I didn't want you dating anyone but me."

"You told me that after the kiss Meredith," Derek retorted. "After!"

"I can't trust you." Meredith pulled her jacket tighter about her slim frame. "You ask me to marry you one moment, and the next you're kissing another woman."

"You can't trust anyone!" Derek spit, ignoring the little voice telling him she might have a point.

"Oh I can trust, Derek." Meredith retorted. "I trust people who give me reasons to trust them."

"Like who?"

"Like Cristina, Alex, Izzie and George. They haven't lied to me, pushed me away and walked away from me."

Derek had no idea how their conversation had spiraled so far out of control. "Oh, and I have?"

Meredith's chuckle held no humor. "On many occasions. And I tried my damnedest to hold on and trust in you. But you kept walking away. You didn't give me anything to trust in."

"You kept pushing me away."

"I know, and I honestly tried not to. Each time I tried, you kept making it hurt too much. I tried. I really, really tried." Meredith couldn't stop the tear slipping down her cheek. She hoped in the darkness of the parking lot Derek didn't see it. "I'm still trying. I want the life with you too, but we're not ready for it yet." Meredith finally wiped at the tear. "You make it so hard for me to trust you." She paused as if something just occurred to her. The idea was staring her in the face. All she had to do was open her eyes and see it. "She's ready."

Derek didn't pretend to not know what she meant. He looked at her for a moment as he raised his head in a gesture Meredith recognized as defensive.

"My god, she's ready for marriage, the house, and the kids." Meredith didn't know whether to laugh or cry. "You don't want to marry me, you want to marry someone who wants the same things you do this very second." Crying was starting to win out, but she forced back the tears. "And you wonder why I can't trust you?"

Derek shook his head. "Doesn't matter what I do or say, you will find an excuse to say you don't trust me." The anger still filled him. It had been building since Meredith almost died in the bay, he realized. Their week away from each other had given Derek time to think more about why the kiss happened and he realized it had been because he was furious at Meredith. The oncall room sex and mockery had pushed him past his limits. He wanted so much more, and she didn't, and it infuriated him. Literally, he had grabbed the nearest woman and kissed her. Somehow it had turned out to be a nice kiss. "I can't do this anymore. This...going back and forth." He thought his anger peaked when he had kissed Rose. But this moment made that level of anger seem like child's play.

"Well neither can I," Meredith stepped forward, til their bodies were barely touching. Catching Derek's face in her hands, Meredith brought it down til their lips met. Her kiss was a fleeting touch against his, but Derek felt the contact down to the tips of his toes. From that brief meeting of lips a shot of heat and energy consumed him and filled him. The electrical charge blew his mind. When she pulled away, he felt the trace moisture left behind by her fingers. "I do love you Derek," Meredith whispered. "No matter how many times you walk away from me, I still love you. But I can't trust you."

Derek watched as Meredith drove her Jeep from the parking lot. He wasn't sure how long he stood there, feeling curiously deflated. Another car left the parking, a late model Merecedes. Black and low slung. Derek recognized the driver. Suit Guy.

"You still here?" Mark stood next to Derek. "Rose is still inside with her friends, who are having a staring match with Yang and Karev." Mark glanced at Derek and the look of sadness on his face, the stillness of his body. He searched the parking lot for Meredith's Jeep, but didn't see it. "Meredith's gone?"

Derek nodded.

"Did you two talk?"

Derek nodded again.

"Enough with the nodding. What happened?"

"I ended us." Derek said, in a strained monotone. "I broke things off with Meredith." Voicing the words made the reality of his actions sink in. He had really ended things with Meredith. He was walking away from her again, her voice echoed in his head. No, not walking away, his anger told him, she pushed him away. Damn it! She pushed him away again!

"So that's it? No more Meredith and Derek?"

"No more Meredith and Derek." Derek exhaled.

Mark threw a comforting arm around Derek's shoulders and steered him back toward Joe's. "You know Derek, that might be for the best. Not that there's anything wrong with it, but no more sex & whatever you called it, in the oncall rooms. No more Grey yanking your chain, holding you back. Now you can finally move on, and there's a certain nurse waiting inside to help you do just that." Mark didn't bother adding that Rose was already referring to Derek as her McDreamy. Nor did he mention that his investment banker had spent most of their meeting asking about Meredith. He'd save that little nugget for a future conversation.


	6. Chapter 6

(Still can't say it enough - thanks for reading and commenting!)

The two back-to-back surgeries had been crushing. Long and tiring, but Derek felt wired. His adrenaline was kicking into hyper drive. Setting the patient's chart on the counter of the nurses' station, he pulled off his scrub cap and glanced at the wall clock. Rose would still be in surgery. And it would be too late for any wine and conversation. She kept a strict nightly bedtime schedule. Derek sighed. He didn't feel irritated by that restriction. Nor by kissing Rose goodnight as he left her at her door. But they're nothing like Meredith's kisses, the voice in the back of his head prodded. Derek disregarded the voice. It was still a nice kiss, he told himself. Turning his attention back to the patient's chart, Derek scribbled as bits of conversation reached his ears.

"... a filthy rich investment banker..."

"...some women have all the luck..."

"...I head Dr. Karev say she didn't come home the other night..."

Slamming the chart shut, Derek shoved it across to the gossiping nurses. Embarrassed, the older nurse caught the chart before it landed on the floor. They hadn't seen Dr. Shepard standing there.

Derek spun on his heel and walked away. Meredith and Suit Guy. It had been two weeks since the breakup at Joe's, and the whole hospital was still percolating with the news. During that time, Derek had taken Rose out to dinner a half dozen times. The dinners and conversation had been nice, Derek reflected. Nice. Just like the kisses that followed. He was ok with nice. Nice was uncomplicated. He had worked two days ago with Meredith on a case, and found her ongoing 'Dr. Shepards' irritating. Meredith had insisted that since he was an attending, and she was only a second-year resident, she had to stick with the formal titles. She would never dream of calling Dr. Bailey by her first name. 'What else do you expect, Dr. Shepard?" Meredith had queried at the time.

Derek found himself midst the walkway in front of the huge picturesque window gracing the front of the building. His favorite spot in the hospital. Well, it ranked a close second to the operating room. He stopped and rested against the railing, enjoying the view, and tried not to think about the number of times he shared the same view with Meredith. It didn't occur to him wonder why he hadn't thought to share the same spot with Rose.

"Sorry, but I have to cancel for drinks tonight." Mark stepped in front of Derek. "How about tomorrow night?"

"I'll check with Rose." Tomorrow night was dining out night.

"You just do that," Mark rolled his eyes. Derek and Rose, in such a short time, had settled into a predictable routine Mark found bizarre but humorous. Dining out every couple of nights. Same restaurant. Same food. It was as if Derek was over compensating for something.

"So what's your excuse?"

Mark dug into his lab coat pocket for his Blackberry, consulting the calendar. "I'm having drinks with my investment banker."

Derek frowned at the reference to Suit Guy. "Didn't you do that a few weeks ago?"

The comment caught Mark's attention. "Yeah, but we didn't get much covered. Instead of talking my business, we talked about Meredith." Though Derek tried to conceal it, the expression on his face was all Mark hoped for, who was pretty hard pressed to hide his grin. He knew Derek still had it bad for Meredith. He always would. And it was his ongoing duty to help Derek see the error of his incomprehensible dumb ass ways.

"Is she seeing him?" The question was asked before Derek could think twice.

"I don't know if I'd call it 'seeing,'" Mark shrugged. "I know he's met her here for lunch and dinner breaks a few times."

"What's 'a few times'?"

Mark wasn't about to tell him how Meredith continued to resist dinner invitations and gifts, much to his banker's amusement. Mark had explained Meredith's situation, and his banker changed tactics, toning down his pursuit of Meredith. And it was a pursuit. He had been pretty happy to hear Meredith's boyfriend had broken up with her, calling Derek's 'stupidity' his good luck. "I don't know Derek. I don't keep track of their social calendar." Subtly stressing the word 'their,' Mark tapped on the tiny keyboard and risked a side-glance at his friend. "Besides, it's none of your business. You're seeing Rose."

"Yep. I'm seeing Rose."

Mark could see Derek didn't look entirely happy about that fact. "Besides, all you have to do is stop by any nurses' station and listen. You've been keeping them pretty entertained."

Derek shook his head. "I tune that crap out."

"Why?"

"Excuse me, but can you tell me where the surgical floor nurses' station is?" A package-bearing deliveryman asked. "I've been sent in too many different directions." From the aromas, Derek and Mark knew the man carried food, and the logo on the packages, of an exclusive restaurant, indicated the food would be excellent. Mark gave directions while Derek studied the packages. Something seemed off.

"Who's that for?" Derek craned his neck to glimpse the name written on the slip of paper held in the man's hand.

The deliveryman studied the paper. "A Dr. Meredith Grey." With additional thanks, the man walked off. Seeing how Derek's jaw suddenly tightened, Mark coughed to disguise his chuckle. He could actually hear Derek's molars grinding into dust.

"Looks like they're dining in tonight." Mark slipped his Blackberry back into his pocket. "I hope he ordered enough for three. I love their calamari." With a wave, Mark followed the deliveryman. Derek's jaw never did loosen.

Meredith slowly seethed as she tolerated the gossiping nurses. She had only a few more notations to make in the chart, then she could walk away from the nurses' station and their talk about Rose's dinners out with Derek. They went to the same restaurant every time, which sounded so unlike him. Meredith had enjoyed discovering new places to eat with Derek when their schedules had permitted. Well, that was before the S&M. Before a lot of things. Anyway, she had to stop listening to this crap.

"...he lives up to his name..."

Meredith made a noise, causing one of the nurses to look at her. But Meredith kept her head down. Little did anyone know, when Cristina christened Derek 'McDreamy,' it wasn't meant as a compliment. But there was a time when he had lived up to it. Meredith flipped a page. She was fine with her decision to not date anyone right now. She needed to recuperate from Derek, and work on her issues. Meredith never denied having issues, but she was tired of them. They'd been there forever, and no one ever stayed around long enough to complain about them. So there were just...there. They'd built up, unchallenged, over a lifetime. Derek had no interest in her specifically. He just wanted someone to fill a space in his so-called 'happily ever after.' He had lied when he said he loved her.

"I have a delivery for Dr. Meredith Grey."

Meredith turned to the deliveryman as he set the packages on the counter top. Her cellphone rang as a nurse pointed in her direction. The display read "Suit Guy." Though he was a very nice, charming and funny guy with no hidden wives or nurses, Meredith had found Cristina's nickname funny and it stuck. Plus, he did seriously rock 'the suit.' After quickly scratching her name on the delivery slip, Meredith stepped away from the nosy nurses, turning her back on them, to take the call.

Ending the call with a smile, Meredith turned to find her food missing. Looking around, she noticed Mark Sloan in an empty conference room sorting through the packages. "I don't think those have your name on them Mark," Meredith stood in the open doorway.

"But I haven't had dinner yet, and I know you don't want me to go hungry. You know that's a violation of the 'Dirty Mistresses Club' Bylaws."

Meredith paused at Mark's reminder of her first leap of faith with Derek, and how she crashed and burned. Heck, her wreckage was still smoldering. Shaking her head to clear out the memory, Meredith smiled and pulled out the chair next to Mark. They dished up food and chatted for a few minutes before Suit Guy joined them. He leaned down to kiss Meredith's cheek before reaching for a plate. Not bothering to close the conference room door, Meredith's giggles reached the ears of a certain neurosurgeon standing at the nurses' station, pretending to study a patient's chart.

"Dr. Shepard?"

Coolly, Derek looked up into the questioning face of Alex Karev. "What can I do for you Dr. Karev?"

Alex looked at Derek before making a point of turning to look at the impromptu dinner party in the conference room. Turning back to Derek, Alex held up the chart he had been carrying. "Dr. Bailey needs a consult on this patient."

Derek accepted the chart, flipping it open to study the contents. Alex glanced at the chart Derek abandoned on the counter. He recognized the name – it was a bowel-resection belonging to Dr. Bailey. Alex couldn't thing of any neuro problems with that patient. Without comment, Alex slid the chart back toward the desk nurse as he followed Derek down the hallway.


	7. Chapter 7

"I'm telling you, the dude's about to come unglued." Alex shoved a French fry in his mouth. "He stood there last night, pretending to look at a chart that's not his, watching Meredith eat dinner with Suit Guy and Sloan." Stuffing more fries in his mouth, Alex smiled, thinking of the rage vibrating through the neurosurgeon as he watched Meredith smile at Suit Guy. Seeing Shepard in agony was one of the finer pleasures in life. "And if that wasn't sweet enough, the nurses at the desk were in a tizzy over it."

"Poor Dr. Shepard," Izzie muttered.

"Poor Dr. Shepard?" Alex scowled. "Are you nuts? The guy screwed over and dumped Meredith, leaving her not once, but twice, for different women. He never told her about either of them. Don't you remember how messed up Meredith was after Addison popped up? That was another scrub room moment from hell for her. How can you say 'poor Dr. Shepard?'"

Cristina sat her lunch tray down with a thud. "Who's stupid enough to say 'poor Dr. Shepard?'"

Trying to hide behind her sandwich, Izzie reluctantly waved her carton of milk at Cristina.

"Izzie? Are you nuts?" Cristina's voice rose, attracting the attention of staff at nearby tables. She leaned towards Izzie, lowering her voice to a harsh whisper. "There is no such thing as 'poor Dr. Shepard' at this table. When he's castrated, and Meredith is wearing his boys as earrings, then you can 'poor Dr. Shepard.'" Sitting back, Cristina ripped the top off her salad. "So, Evil Spawn, how's the Dating Death Pool?"

"I'm seeing a lot of intern and resident action, but for some strange reason, no nurses. Six weeks is tops."

"And what's this I hear about Meredith, dinner and Wilbur?" Cristina reached for one of Alex's French fries.

"Wait, who's Wilbur?" Izzie was finding this conversation confusing.

Cristina spoke to Izzie as if addressing a small child. "Rose looks like Mr. Ed, so we call Shepard 'Wilbur.'" Forking her salad, Cristina motioned to Alex to continue.

"He's turning into McStalker. Suit Guy had dinner delivered last night, and he and Sloan ate with Meredith. Shepard hung around outside the door pretending to be studying a patient's chart. Pretty pathetic."

"How do you know he was pretending to study the chart? It could have been his patient's chart," Izzie asked. She also reached for one of Alex's French fries and was shocked when he slapped her hand away.

"Give me a break Iz. The chart was Bailey's bowel-resection. Not neuro." Alex was trying pretty hard to refrain from throwing something at Izzie. He didn't know how she could stick up for the bastard. "Face it, the guy's a bastard. He's pulling the same shit from when Addison was here. Don't you remember?"

"I remember he loves Meredith."

Cristina choked on her soda. "You're full of shit Izzie. He didn't act like a man in love with Meredith."

"You didn't see him after Meredith almost blew up. He came to the house practically begging to see Meredith. And he broke down when Meredith drowned," Izzie insisted. "He cried. Remember?"

Cristina rolled her eyes. "Clearly crocodile tears."

"I think we need to prime the pump..." Alex sat back in his chair with the air of a man very satisfied with what he was about to do. Meredith would no doubt be upset with him, but hey, life goes on. And he knew the right person to help him put his plan into action, to help him enjoy one of the finer pleasures in life.

"Whatever it is you're planning, I want in on it. And if you don't, I'll kick your ass." Cristina threw a piece of soggy salad at Alex.

"Shut up." He brushed the offending leaf off his shoulder.

The computer monitor refused to cooperate and come back into focus. Meredith rubbed her tired, blurry eyes. She was pulling research for Dr. Bailey, and at the end of a double shift, everything was kind of fuzzy. Stretching her neck to work out a kink and shake off the beginnings of a headache, Meredith thrust a hunk of dirty blonde hair off her forehead. She wanted to go home. Crawl into bed, pull the covers over her head, and never emerge.

Cristina flopped into the seat beside Meredith, handing her a large cup of coffee. Meredith sipped it gratefully, giving her person a heartfelt smile as the caffeine hit her bloodstream.

"How long have you been sitting at this computer?"

Meredith checked the clock in the corner of the monitor. "About 20 minutes." Engrossed in her notes, Meredith's fingers flew across the keyboard.

"Do you know McDreamy's been standing at the nurses' station outside your window watching you for about 5?" Cristina smirked. "He's pretending to do paperwork, but it's pretty obvious he's been looking at you more than the paper."

"No, I didn't know." Astonished, Meredith refused to look up. "Is he still standing there?"

"Of course."

A month had passed since Derek chose Rose, and Meredith still experienced crippling pain from the whole ordeal, but since the sun managed to climb the Eastern sky every morning, she could go on with her life. Meredith kept a deaf ear to all Derek & Rose gossip making the rounds of the hospital. The babbling voices eventually faded into the background as white noise. She had no idea if they were up, down, building a house, getting a dog or spinning in circles.

"I heard you had dinner delivered last night."

"Where did you hear that?"

"Evil Spawn, where else?" Cristina chuckled. "He watched McDreamy pretend to read a chart while raging from across the hallway. I'm glad you didn't close the door. He wanted to kill Suit Guy."

Meredith frowned in genuine surprise. "Why would he?" She looked at Cristina in confusion. "Anyway, I don't care," she shrugged. "I can't."

Cristina looked at Meredith, acknowledging the pain simmering below the surface of her tired demeanor. "I know."

Izzie wandered in through the computer room door, munching an apple and glancing over her shoulder. "Do you guys know why Derek has been hanging out at the nurses' station?" Cristina and Izzie rubbernecked as Derek's attention was claimed by Dr. Sloan. They enjoyed the smothered smirk on Sloan's face which told he knew the real reason for Derek's vigil. While Derek scratched his pen across various pieces of paper, Sloan made eye contact with Cristina and Izzie, and winked.

"Gee Izzie, I have no idea," Cristina angled her head in Meredith's direction, waiting for the blonde to get a clue. "And we're not interested."

"I don't know and I really don't care," Meredith gulped down the last of her coffee, tossing the empty coffee cup into the trashcan. "Didn't it occur to you guys that he's waiting for what's-her-name to get out of surgery? This is the surgical floor." Meredith returned to her research.

Izzie studied the top of Meredith's bent head for a moment for a moment before taking another bite of her apple. "How does he even have 5 minutes to stay in one place? Anyway, I think..."

"Izzie, right now we don't care what you think," Cristina cut in, with a fierce look in her eyes that said 'shut the fuck up!' "Because we don't care why he's out there."

"Alright, you don't have to be nasty about it." Izzie huffed. "It's all over the hospital how Derek stood outside the conference room while Meredith ate dinner with Suit Guy. I mean, how sweet is it that he had dinner delivered from the most exclusive restaurant in town? All because Meredith refuses to go out to dinner with him!"

He missed her. Derek missed Meredith. Watching as she pushed hair off her forehead while she worked, Derek's hand flexed in tandem. He missed their simple everyday contact. Gestures he took for granted, like the way her fingers threaded through his as they held hands walking to their cars. The brush of her thumb across the back of his hand always made him tighten his grip. He never wanted to let go. But somehow he did. And now she was sitting at a computer workstation a few yards away from him ignoring his proximity. Meredith was the ache in his soul that would never go away.

"Shep, there you are."

"Mark," Derek murmured, suddenly working studiously on his paperwork and trying to keep an eye on the computer room across the hall. On the tiny figure seated at the computer.

Mark rolled his eyes toward the computer room. Spotting Izzie and Cristina, he winked.

"What do you want Mark?"

"I need a favor."

"What?"

"I need the name of the bed & breakfast you and Addison stayed at in Napa Valley."

"Why the hell do you need that?" Derek challenged. The question threw him. He didn't like the direction of this conversation.

When Mark saw the thundercloud develop above Derek's head, he knew he owed Alex Karev a damn good surgery. Hell, he owed him two. He was clueless as to why he didn't think of this first.

"A friend of mine is looking for a romantic weekend destination, and I remember Addie going on about that b&b. Starts with a B? Or a V?" Mark pulled out his Blackberry, clearly preparing to place a call. "Don't make me call Addie for it."

"I don't remember the name of the place." Derek shrugged. He didn't want to guess which friend was searching for the romantic destination. He didn't want to think about it at all, and he'd be damned if he told Mark anything. "Besides, you don't talk to Addie."

"Oh come on. I know you remember Derek. Grow up and tell me." Mark held his Blackberry up, his fingers poised threateningly over the keypad. "And I do talk to Addie."

Derek shifted, facing his friend head on. Paperwork forgotten. "I don't remember."

Shaking his head, Mark's fingers tapped out a number from memory. As he waited for the call to connect, Derek snickered. He was confident his ex-wife wasn't going to take the call or give Mark Sloan the name of the bed & breakfast.

"Addie, hey! It's Mark."

Derek listened, incredulously, as his ex-wife gave Mark Sloan the name of the bed & breakfast in Napa Valley. The Vintage. Scenes of the large bedroom suite, it's warm golden walls, hardwood floors, brick fireplace, and oversized mahogany four-poster bed with the 1,000-count Egyptian cotton sheets, flashed through his brain. Along with Meredith nestled under the silk comforter, her long dirty blonde hair spread across the feather pillows. She's warm and soft from her afternoon nap. Derek watched as Meredith rolled over, and sleepily welcome Suit Guy into her arms.

"Thanks Derek" Mark's sarcastic farewell pierced Derek's daydream. At a loss for words, Derek watched as Mark dialed his phone again. He caught a few pieces of the conversation as Mark walked away.

"I've got the name of that place we discussed. You owe me 500 shares of IBM."

He wasn't going to panic. Derek slowly inhaled, then exhaled. He couldn't let the thought of Meredith spending the weekend in that four-poster bed with Suit Guy send him over the edge. He needed to breathe. Slowly. In and out. His heart rate needed to come down. Otherwise, he was heading for the linen closet with a paper bag.

"Doctor Shepard, is everything ok?" The nurse asked, wondering what made the color drain from his face. Nodding, Derek blindly reached for his paperwork, his sad excuse for a reason to be near Meredith.

What the hell was he doing? What the hell did he do?

The love of his life was going to spend the weekend in that damn four-poster bed with another man. And he pushed her there. Suit Guy was going to see and caress parts of Meredith's body that he had no right to. She belonged to him.

Derek turned back to the computer room. Meredith was gone.

God damn it!


	8. Chapter 8

(Continued great appreciation for all the comments! Not sure how I feel about this update. As much as I'd love to torture Derek more, I can't do it. So this update is more like a transition. I'm sorry there's no torture in this update.)

"Cristina's ready to kill me," Izzie slid the empty beer bottle toward the center of the table. It was a busy night at Joe's, bodies swarming everywhere, and yet they managed to grab a table near the door. She and Alex were waiting for the others to arrive.

"Yang's always ready to kill someone Iz, you're just a number." Alex shifted in his chair. He doesn't know how he and Izzie ended up at Joe's before everyone else, but here they were. Not that he was complaining. He found himself savoring their alone time. "It's not your fault Hahn doesn't like her. Don't let her get to you." When she smiled at him, all Alex could do was smile back.

"Dr. Stevens. Dr. Karev."

Alex and Izzie looked up to see Derek Shepard, scotch glass in hand, standing next to their table. The man looked tired and...sad.

"So you finally tore yourself away from your vigil at the computer room?"

Izzie smacked Alex's arm.

Derek ignored the comment. "Do you mind if I join you?"

"Hell yes I mind," Alex snorted.

"Alex!" Izzie glared at him.

"Don't 'Alex!' me, Iz. He asked and I answered."

"I understand," Derek slowly turned in the direction of the bar. Izzie looked past him and spotted Dr. Sloan, who raised his glass in greeting, urging her to deal with Derek.

"Dr. Shepard, wait..."

Alex threw a wadded up cocktail napkin at Izzie. "Don't do it Iz."

Ignoring Alex, Izzie pulled out the seat next to her. Derek stopped and stared at it, paying no attention to people bumping into him as they moved about. He hesitated for a moment or two, wondering if this really was a good idea. It seemed like one when he first spotted Meredith's friends walking into the bar. Even Mark thought so. Now he wasn't sure.

"Sit down, Derek."

The use of his first name made him look up and see the sympathetic expression on Dr. Steven's face. Derek didn't care if Alex Karev wanted to take a swing at him or wring his neck. He sat down.

"I can't do this," Alex muttered. Swiping up his beer bottle, he stormed over to the bar. Spotting Dr. Sloan, Alex grabbed the bar stool next to him and sat down.

Izzie observed Derek as he hunched over his drink. He just seemed so...sad and in pain. She cursed herself for having a weakness to help people like him. "What do you want Derek?"

"Someone to tell me how to fix the mess I made."

"Which mess do you want to fix?"

"Which mess...?" Derek sat up. "My break up with Meredith. It's over, as far as I'm concerned. The break. And with Rose, I mean. I ended things with her."

Izzie's eyebrows shot up at that little piece of news. "When did that happen?"

Derek looked at his watch. "About two hours ago."

"Do you realize there's more it than just that?" Izzie leaned forward, touching his arm in a comforting gesture.

"You mean that damn kiss?"

"For Meredith that kiss meant you had another woman in your background you didn't tell her about. Once again she learned about her from someone else," Izzie gently squeezed his arm.

Derek shook his head, trying to force her words into making sense. "You've lost me, Dr. Stevens."

Izzie kept her eyes on the main entrance, hoping Meredith, Cristina, Lexie and George don't arrive any time soon. "I don't have time to go into details, Derek. But first Addison, and then the nurse? And now you're no better than Ellis and Thatcher."

Derek vehemently shook his head. "No, I'm not like them."

"Don't give me that Derek. You left her like they did. You left her a number of times, but twice for other women she didn't know about," Izzie shrugged. "Did you ever really love her?"

"Of course I did! I do!" Derek wondered how she could ask that. Of course he loves Meredith! How could anyone doubt it? The sip of scotch didn't do much to ease the unsettled feeling deep in his gut. If Dr. Stevens was questioning the strength of his feelings, God, he hoped that didn't mean Meredith questioned them also. The unsettled feeling grew past his gut and into his chest.

"You need to stop and think why no one, and I do mean NO ONE, believes you Derek." Izzie looked up and waved. Derek turned to see George, Lexie, Cristina and Meredith walk through the door and stop in their tracks as soon as they spotted him sitting with Izzie. He held his breath waiting for Suit Guy to bring up the rear. Luckily, he didn't. Jumping up, Derek made his way around the table and toward the group, toward his Meredith.

"Meredith." He whispered her name, as if saying it out loud would make her disappear. It was all he could to stop himself from wrapping himself around her and holding on for dear life.

Cristina and Lexie stepped in unison in front of Derek. They formed a united front against him. "Don't you have a scrub nurse to get back to, Dr. Shepard?"

Derek ignored Cristina's snark and stared at Meredith as she stood next to George. He wasn't happy to see him either, but Derek didn't care. He was inches away from Meredith, and she was looking at him. In that moment, all was right with the world. At least his world. She was it. Everyone else could go to hell.

"Meredith, please, could I talk to you?"

Ducking her head, Meredith stepped around everyone and grabbed a seat at the table, putting Izzie between herself and Derek's seat. "I don't think that's a good idea right now, Derek."

"Please?"

Derek didn't see the step Cristina took towards him, but Meredith did. Her raised eyebrow warned a frowning Cristina off. Moving her attention to Derek, Meredith studied him. She knew his shift had just ended, which should explain his tiredness. But he seemed more than tired. She didn't know the cause, but Meredith knew better than to think she had anything to do with it. She was tempted to give into Derek's request to talk to her. But Meredith didn't know why he wanted to talk. Surely he had to realize she wasn't buying any of his empty, pretty words anymore.

"I'm sorry Derek. All I want is a drink and then I'm heading home. I'm so tired I can't stand it, and my head is about to explode. I'm not up for any conversation right now."

"Please Meredith? You don't have to say a word. Just listen."

"I'll order your drink if you want to talk," Izzie encouraged.

Meredith felt all eyes on her. Seriously, all she had wanted was a drink. Now she wanted to crawl under the table. She was floating in a bubble of exhaustion. How she managed to make it across the street to the bar, Meredith doesn't know. She didn't feel in control of her actions.

"Ok."


	9. Chapter 9

The night air momentarily revived Meredith's exhausted body as she and Derek exited Joe's into the parking lot. After a few moments of the awkward 'where shall we do this?' they stepped around the corner of the building, out of sight of anyone and everyone.

She didn't know why she agreed to this. It had to be the exhaustion talking. Propping herself up against the side of the building, Meredith could feel the rough brickwork texture through her long-sleeve t-shirt. It took a moment for Meredith to realize Derek was studying her. He was looking at her as if he couldn't believe she was standing so close to him. From the top of her messy head to the bottom of her sneaker-clad feet. The blueness of his gaze traced her tired, slim figure. She could actually feel it. Was she so tired that she could detect the touch of his eyes against her skin?

"I'm tired Derek. I've hardly slept since I heard about that damn kiss and you walked away, and I've had to hear about it from all corners of the freakin' hospital and watch you two waltz around the halls," Meredith barely paused for a breath. "I hear it, see it and I'm living Addison all over again, including two nights of tequila-induced oblivion. So what ever it is you want to say, say it so I can go home!" Meredith's eyelids slid shut on that last loud note.

Derek was sure his jaw was hanging open. "Do you know that's the most you've spoken to me...in ages?"

"I've talked to you." Meredith rolled her eyes.

"I mean details. Actual details."

Not that you've ever given me details, you ass! "What do you want Derek?" Meredith sighed, her flash of anger expended.

"I...don't know what to say. I wasn't sure you'd talk to me, so I hadn't thought that far ahead yet."

"What? I'm so tired my eyes are permanently crossed. You drag me out here to talk and you don't know what to say?" Meredith sniffed, and to her horror, weak tears seeped out from underneath her lashes. "I'm tired. My head hurts. I want my damn drink and I want to go home." It took real effort not to tack an 'and I miss you like crazy' on the end of that. Because she really did miss him. She felt like a stupid idiot. He lied about another woman, walked away from her for the second time, and all she wanted to do was wrap her arms around him, rest her head against his chest, and stay there. She hated being so pathetic. He made her weak and pathetic!

Their reactions were automatic. His was to take Meredith in his arms and hers was to avoid them. As much as he wanted to savor the contact, she couldn't afford to. Derek burned with disappointment. His eyes watered. He blinked rapidly. He said the first thing that came to mind. "I miss you so much."

"You don't miss me, you miss having a someone." Meredith murmured, wiping her eyes. "Where's Rose?" She wasn't sure how much longer she could have this so-called 'talk.'

"I don't know."

"Oh." Meredith kept her eyes trained on a spot over Derek's shoulder. Gave her a view of the building next door. Some kind of office building. Maybe she could make it through this if she didn't have to look at him. God, why couldn't she go back to avoiding everything? Life was so much easier that way.

"Meredith..."

"What?"

"Will you please look at me?"

Reluctantly Meredith shifted her gaze to Derek. He didn't have his "McDreamy" face in place. He looked almost as bad as she felt. His normally controlled curls sprang wild in different directions. Even the stubble lining his cheeks seemed heavier tonight. His eyes were red-rimmed, weary and shimmering with moisture.

"Rose is gone. And I miss you. Only you."

"Ok."

Derek was a little taken aback by her lack of response. "Ok?"

"Ok."

"Is that all you have to say?"

"What else do you want me to say?" Meredith shrugged. Oh how she wanted to believe. But there wasn't anything to believe in any more. His words were nothing but empty calories, leaving her feeling empty. It was a good thing she never lost the numbness that developed when Meredith first heard about the kiss.

Derek's hands were not too gentle as they rifled through his hair. This conversation wasn't going as he had hoped. "Aren't you listening to what I'm saying?" The now familiar sense of panic began to fill his chest again.

"I'm listening."

"Doesn't it mean anything?"

"Seriously? You're asking if what you say means anything to me?" Meredith was incredulous. "Addison. Rose. Both lies of omission, Derek. Lies. And I'm too tired to bring up the 'choosing other women' thing."

"I didn't choose Rose over you!"

Meredith waved a dismissive hand. "Don't worry, I get it. It's nothing new. My mother chose surgery over me, Thatcher chose Lexie and Molly, and you chose Addison and then Rose." She held up a warning finger as Derek opened his mouth. "You didn't tell me about her. You kissed her and didn't tell me about it. You ended our relationship and started one with her. That's choosing, Derek."

Derek stood there, and let her angry words batter him. He fucked up. Big time. Huge. He had a small moment of doubt, and he kissed another woman. He had doubted whether Meredith would ever be ready for the life he wanted with her. And he had jumped ship, like a drowning rat. For a brief second, Derek thought that maybe, just maybe, he could have that life with someone else. But if he didn't want it with Addison, why in the hell did he wonder if it could be with anyone other than Meredith?

"I'm sorry," Derek's voice broke.

Meredith pushed herself off the wall. She couldn't think of anything to say to him. What was there? Gee, I appreciate the pretty words, but I don't believe them. In that moment, Meredith really needed that drink. Then sleep. "I need to go."

"I love you Meredith."

She blinked once. Twice. "I don't believe you Derek."

His heart and soul in tatters, Derek watched Meredith walk back into Joe's. She never looked back. Never, in his life, did Derek Shepard ever feel more alone than he did at this moment in time. He'd let the love of his life slip through his fingers, and he had no idea how to get her back.

But by God, he would. Didn't have a clue as to how he would do it, but he would.


	10. Chapter 10

(I'm sorry - I forgot to add a warning that this update contains sex. Well, almost sex...)

The wall of noise hit Derek hard as he stumbled back into Joe's. Somehow, he found his way back over to Mark at the bar. His empty bar stool mocked him. Waiting for him, as if it knew he'd be back alone. Derek resumed his seat, and rested both elbows on the edge of the bar. He buried his face in his hands for a few moments before turning to Mark.

Mark slid his scotch in front of Derek. "I think you need this more than me right now." He signaled for another drink.

"I really fucked up Mark."

"I know..." The wry tone of Mark's agreement caused Derek to scowl at him. "Hell, the whole hospital knows," Mark defended himself.

Derek glanced back at Meredith's table. She was finishing her drink and preparing to leave. "I told her that I loved her."

"How'd she take it?"

"She didn't believe me."

Mark decided silence worked best right now. Clearly, Derek was hurting, and he didn't want to dump more salt in an open, gaping wound.

"You never did tell me how Rose took the news."

"Pretty well," Derek sighed. "I don't think she was surprised."

"I'm sure she knew the score going into it. Besides, after that computer room vigil you pulled," Mark chuckled. "I think word spread faster than the syph." He chuckled even more when Derek managed an embarrassed sheepish look.

"I didn't even realize I did that," Derek sipped his drink. "I stopped by the nurses' station to drop off a few papers, and I noticed her."

"A lot of people noticed you noticing her."

Derek's breathing became slow and measured as his thoughts ran back to that moment. "And you had to call Addie."

"Hey, I warned you." Mark wasn't about to tell him the call to his friend wasn't legit. Not yet, anyway.

"It was for that friend of yours that's chasing Meredith, wasn't it?" Derek prayed that he was wrong. At Mark's nod, Derek again buried his face in his hands. "When are they going?"

"Don't know. When ever Meredith wants," Mark replied. "He's willing to wait for her." He had no doubt his investment banker would wait for Meredith. Hell, he told Mark so when they discussed her over drinks.

"And I wasn't," Derek muttered to himself. "Well your 'friend' has a long wait ahead of him." He watched as Meredith stood up and said goodbye to her friends. He tried not to think of each step she took toward the entrance as a step away from him.

Mark wasn't sure how far he should push this. "I think he'll do it."

Derek downed the rest of his scotch and slid off his bar stool. "He can take a number behind me." Leaving a few bills next to his empty glass, Derek turned and left the bar. He had a long drive home.

Admiring the way the blue sheet barely covered his hips, leaving his muscular torso open to her, she gently pushed the silky locks off his forehead, the dark curls gripping and teasing her fingers. He sighed and sleepily rolled onto his side, nestling in to his pillow while stretching an arm toward the warm female form beside him. She smiled as Derek pulled her tight against his nude body.

"Go back to sleep," she whispered. "I didn't mean to wake you."

"No," he whispered back, rubbing his nose in the silky strands of her hair. He inhaled deeply. "I'm enjoying this too much."

"I can tell," she giggled, as his penis pulsed and grew hard against her. " But you have an early surgery. You need sleep." The last word was a warm caress against his ear.

"Mmmm, a few more minutes," he tightened his grip, crushing her breasts against his chest. His hands traced the length of her spine, from the elegant curve of her neck and shoulders down to the perfect globes of her buttocks. He rested a cheek in each hand and pulled her into him. He couldn't get close enough to her. His fierce erection was trapped against her flat abdomen. She wrapped a slim leg around his, the coarse male hair a welcome friction against her skin.

"Derek," she pressed open-mouthed kisses along the strong line of his jaw to the hollow under his ear, ignoring the rasp of his stubble. Her arms slid up over his shoulders, her hands toying with the curls at the back of his head. "Sleep. Surgery. Saving lives." Her body pressed itself fully against his, breast to breast, hip to hip, and toe to toe.

His lips covered hers, swallowing her half-hearted protest. Her mouth was warm, lush and soft. He slid one hand into her hair and put the other on her hip to pull her closer to him and he kissed her harder. Her eyelids dreamily slid shut, her mind officially lost to the drug-like sensations of his mouth upon hers.

"Meredith," Derek moved her onto her back, shifting over her and settling between her thighs. He rocked against her, causing her eyelids to fly open and legs to wrap around his lean hips. Derek raised his head above hers and looked down at her face. Her mouth was red and swollen from his kisses. Well formed, beautiful and slightly open, her pink tongue gently worrying her bottom lip. The pupils of her eyes were dilated, dark against the green of her irises. His strong hands tenderly cupped her face as his lips hovered over hers. Their breaths intermingled as he spoke.

"You know I love you, don't you Meredith? That you're the love of my life. You are my life. And I'll spend the rest of my life proving it to you."

Her green gaze met his clear blue. "Yes."

"And you know I'll never, ever leave you again," Derek buried his face against the scented warmth of her neck. Her lavender scent filled him. She had to believe him. He didn't know what he'd do if she didn't. "Not until death do we part."

His thick cock urgently nudged her wet warmth, forcing a whimper to escape her swollen lips. "Yes." She breathed in slowly, closing her eyes, savoring the rush of pleasure surging through her at the intimate contact, her hips moving against his, her body melting into his.

"Meredith..."

She silenced his mouth with hers. It was a kiss of forgiveness and healing. "I love you Derek." His huge sigh of relief was captured by her lips as the kiss deepened. She loved him. She believed him. "Say it again," he demanded, blinking back tears of joy.

"I love you Derek."

The peal of the alarm clock shocked Derek into consciousness. Wildly looking around, he grabbed the spot where Meredith had lain moments ago, only to find the area empty and cold. The pillow untouched. The alarm continued to sound off. Derek squinted at it. The analog face read 4:30 a.m. He grabbed the damn thing and threw it furiously across the trailer. It shattered against the wall, finally shutting up. Raging in heartbreak, his arm swung out, sweeping the bedside lamp, his cell phone and keys to the floor. Slumping back against the pillows, Derek brought his hand to his cheek. His fingers came away wet.


	11. Chapter 11

(Thank you again for reading and commenting. I wasn't planning on having this update ready so soon, but it flowed the right way. I had a lot of fun with this.)

"Derek, we need a new hangout, a new routine. We're in a rut." Mark commented as he and Derek stood outside the Emerald Bar. It was the end of another late shift, and a routine they had fallen into over the past two weeks. A drink before they parted company – Derek to his trailer and Mark the hotel. Derek always alone, and sometimes Mark got lucky. Nurse lucky.

"What are you talking about?"

"Haven't you noticed we spend most of our time between the hospital and Joe's?"

"Yeah. We're surgeons." Derek stated the obvious.

"Let's find a new bar. Starting tonight?" Mark grabbed Derek's arm and dragged him back from Joe's door.

Derek regained control of his arm. He looked at his friend as if he had spouted a second head. What the hell was wrong with him?

"Seriously Derek, let's go somewhere else," Mark cajoled. "I'm buying."

"We're here, might as well stay," Derek said as he pulled open the door, spilling the bar noise into the quiet parking lot.

"I don't think this is a good idea..." Mark mumbled to Derek's back as they entered Joe's.

The missing piece to the strange puzzle that was Mark's behavior dropped into place when he spotted Suit Guy and Meredith in the back corner booth. Coincidently, the same one he had been sitting in the night Meredith met the jerk. Mark grabbed his arm again, steering Derek to two empty stools at the bar.

"You knew they were going to be here tonight, didn't you?" Derek asked. He already knew Mark's answer.

"Yeah. But I didn't remember until 60 seconds ago."

"Dr. Sloan, Dr. Shepard, the usual?" Joe greeted, his eyes trained on the back booth for a second before smiling at Mark and Derek. At Derek's nod, Joe turned away to prepare their order. Derek turned back to the booth. He didn't like how Meredith was smiling at Suit Guy. Didn't that idiot wear anything besides Versace?

"Yeah, Armani."

Derek didn't realize he had spoken his last thought out loud. "Arrogant jackass."

Mark laid a comforting hand on Derek's shoulder. "I know."

No matter how hard he tried, Mark couldn't shake Derek's attention from the back corner booth. Somehow, Meredith's giggle floated above the crush of bodies and noise to torture Derek's ears. He tried to ignore the harsh clenching of Derek's jaw each time they heard it. Mark had to admit he didn't know his investment banker was such an entertaining guy.

Derek lost count of how many times he heard her giggle. Each one fed the fire burning in his belly.

"Mark, how's the beautiful people business?" The newcomer set two empty glasses on the bar and motioned for refills. The male voice was a little too close for Derek's comfort. He had a nasty feeling about who the voice belonged to.

"What does my stock portfolio tell you?" Mark turned around to shake hands with Suit Guy. "Derek, this is Nic Gleeson, my investment banker. Nic, this is Dr. Derek Shepard, He's head of Neurosurgery at Seattle Grace."

"Dr. Shepard." Nic stuck out his hand.

Drink in hand, Derek slowly turned around to face his nemesis. The jackass was tall and solidly built. His dark hair had a few strands of grey. Though he earned his living at a desk, he clearly didn't live behind it. His sisters would probably call him good looking. Derek stared at Nic's offered hand, thinking about whether or not to shake it. He decided against it. He didn't like the smile on the guy's face. Obviously the jackass knew who he was. An uncomfortable silence stretched between the three men as Nic lowered his hand.

"Well, isn't this awkward," Nic rocked back on his heels, hands in his trouser pockets of his dark grey Versace suit. "Mark isn't my only client at Seattle Grace, Dr. Shepard. I've heard the whole story. How's your nurse?"

"I don't have a nurse. I have a surgical resident, and her name is Dr. Meredith Grey."

"Not any more. Your loss is my gain." Nic reached between Derek and Mark and grabbed his refills. "Gentlemen," with a nod Nic sauntered back to Meredith. Derek stared at his retreating back, wishing he could suspend his Hippocratic oath. He caught the look on Meredith's face as Suit Guy slid into the booth opposite her. The warning shake of her head didn't improve his mood. Fully shifting around on his bar stool, Derek leaned back against the bar to watch. He might as well make his agony complete.

"You do realize I'm never going to forgive you for giving him the B&B info." Directing his comment to Mark, Derek raised his glass in greeting to Cristina, Izzie, Alex and George sitting at a nearby table. Only Izzie and George waved back in acknowledgement. As Meredith giggled again, Mark nodded and sipped his scotch. It was going to be a long night.

Meredith couldn't contain her sigh of relief as Nic seated himself opposite her. Why couldn't he have gone to the opposite end of the bar to get their drinks? She accepted her shot of tequila from him with a smile.

"I'm disappointed," Nic commented.

"About what?" Meredith glanced at Derek. Luckily Nic silencing his vibrating cellphone caused him to miss the negative shake of the head she gave Derek. He had no right to pull this crap. She hated the fact that he was seated watching them. And her friends looked on as if they were viewing a tennis match.

"I thought for sure there was going to be bloodshed. I was looking forward to you tending to my wounds."

Meredith giggled. "Being bloody is not a good thing."

"It is if you're my doctor." Nic touched his drink to Meredith's shot glass.

"Just ignore him."

"I am," Nic grinned, imagining how much it was pissing off the neurosurgeon.

Meredith sighed. Usually she enjoyed after shift drinks with Nic. His company was very pleasant. Though she still declined his dining out invitations. He kept up his invites, claiming it never hurt to keep asking. Usually, their paths never crossed with Derek. So much for keeping her fingers crossed that they never would.

Cristina bumped Meredith over so she could slide in next to her. "Ok, enquiring minds want to know."

"About what, Dr. Yang?" Nic asked.

"You look like you could be a physically fit person. How muscular are you? How do you stay in shape?"

"Cristina!" Mortified, Meredith elbowed her. She had an idea where her line of questioning was going.

"What? We're placing bets on who is going to win at ass kicking, McDreamy or Suit Guy. I need some inside information."

"Oh God!" Meredith hid her face against Cristina's shoulder. "Please don't start another pool."

"I kick box, lift weights and jog." Nic laughed. "I forgot I'm 'Suit Guy.'"

"Don't encourage her!" Meredith reached across and gently smacked Nic's arm. Before she could pull back, Nic grabbed her hand and held on before releasing it.

"What? All McDreamy does is fish. Easy money!" Cristina scooted back over to their table. Meredith could see Alex awaited Cristina's return while Izzie shrugged an 'I'm sorry' as she and George dug out their wallets.

"Your friends are an interesting bunch."

Shaking her head at Nic in apologetic reproach, Meredith excused herself and hurried over to Derek. She had to stop this madness and not give the hospital staff more gossip to talk about. Meredith tried not to read too much into the smile growing on Derek's face as he watched her approach.

"Don't start this crap, Derek." Meredith warned. She jabbed a finger at Mark. "Don't let him do this."

"I don't know what you're talking about, Meredith." Derek stated quietly.

"You know exactly what I'm talking about," Meredith insisted. "You lost the right to be territorial over me."

"I love you. That gives me the right to be territorial." The expression on Derek's face was serious, intent.

"Bullshit!" Meredith's tone was vehement.

Derek reached for Meredith's hands, pulling her alongside his bar stool. Her lavender scent wound its way around him. "I love you." His grip was secure, threading his fingers through hers. Meredith stared back at Derek. The head tilt and smile had nothing on the intent in his eyes. He was willing her to accept what he was saying. He wanted to kiss away the pain and fear in her green eyes. Wordlessly, Meredith disengaged her hands and returned to her booth.

A/N: I forgot to mention my model for Suit Guy is George Clooney...


	12. Chapter 12

(As usual, I don't have anything to do with GA. I just borrow the characters to make myself feel better.)

"You might want to make yourself scarce after this." Cristina seated herself next to Meredith in the surgical gallery, handing her a cup of coffee.

"Why?" Meredith whispered, gratefully accepted the hot coffee, never moving her gaze from Derek and the open brain below. The gallery was half full in the early morning, and with Derek on the OR floor, her presence in the gallery attracted a few speculative looks.

"McDreamy is on the warpath."

"Why?" Cristina's comments half registered as Meredith kept her watchful gaze on Derek while he worked over his patient's open brain. His normal fluid movements with the surgical tools seem sharp and abrupt. Even the OR personnel appeared attentive to his body language.

"What are you, two? Stop with the whys already! It's because rumor has it you've been doing the horizontal hokey pokey with Suit Guy, and he's hot and pissed."

"Cristina! Who's been saying that?" Meredith couldn't contain her surprise. She finally accepted a dining out invite from Suit Guy earlier in the week, a few weeks after the near rumble at Joe's between he and Derek. A quiet dinner for two at a cozy Italian restaurant. Meredith had enjoyed herself.

The smile on Cristina's face spoke volumes.

"I've got big money on Suit Guy in the ass kicking contest. Just making sure I collect," Cristina sipped her coffee. "Besides, I hate McDreamy. I want to see him twist and burn."

"Oh crap," Meredith groaned. She rested her forehead in her free hand, missing the upward glance from the scapel-welding neurosurgeon. His mask covered the coldness settling over his face, but not in his eyes. The blue had turned glacial. Cristina glowed with satisfaction.

"Let him think the weeks of flowers and sappy notes were a waste of time." Cristina smirked.

That's just it, Meredith thought, lifting her head, watching Derek and the rigid set to his shoulders. They may not be a complete waste of time. Every couple of days a small cluster of lavender waited for her in her locker. After an appreciative sniff, Meredith usually left them in random patient rooms. The non-flower days meant a small note with a brief message, always the same: "I Love You." They weren't signed, but she knew who left them. She had a growing stack of them in her lingerie drawer at home.

"You have to stop this Cristina."

"Until Hahn gives me a surgery, it's my only pleasure in life right now." Cristina shrugged. Personally, she could care less about McDreamy's feelings. Dumping her person – for the second time – was unacceptable. The man was an ass. An arrogant ass. She hoped Meredith finally sees Shepard for the mess that he is, and gives Suit Guy a real chance.

"I'm serious Cristina, stop it!"

Cristina noticed a couple of nearby interns paying more attention to their conversation than the surgical procedure. "Would you like a transcript of this?" She gestured between Meredith and herself. The interns quickly looked the other way.

"Did you know he's planning a Napa Valley weekend for you?"

"Derek?"

"No, Suit Guy. At least that's what the grapevine says," Cristina replied. "Did you know?"

Meredith shook her head. "Who started that one?"

"Not sure if it was Sloan or Evil Spawn. I heard it yesterday. Izzie was upset you didn't tell her about it." The roll of Cristina's eyes left no doubt how she felt about Izzie's feelings.

This wasn't good. Meredith knew the pain she had been in, and still had, over Derek's relationship with Rose. She could imagine what he was going through, if what he had said about loving her had a kernel of reality to it. Meredith watched as Derek stepped back from the table and headed for the scrub room, a surgical fellow closing in his stead. "This isn't good. I have to fix this."

Cristina shook her head as Meredith hurried out of the gallery. She sat back to take in the show below.

Derek threw open the scrub room door with such force that it almost came off its hinges. The OR staff paused in their clean up work to watch the furious neurosurgeon rip off his mask and gown, shove them in the receptacle and hit the sink spigot. They saw Meredith enter the scrub room, clearly looking for Derek. Meredith had barely opened her mouth before he escorted her from the scrub room. The surgical nurses looked at Rose, who was counting surgical instruments near the head of the table. She ignored the curious glances and continued with her work. Cristina noted her presence with interest.

Derek pushed through the scrub room door, pulling Meredith in his wake. His fast stride caused Meredith to practically run to keep up with him.

"Derek, will you slow down?" Meredith pleaded as he threw open the door to a nearby oncall room. Pushing her in ahead of him, Derek stepped inside, closing and locking the door.

Meredith turned and faced Derek. In the dimness of the room, his breathing was shallow and rapid. Jaw clenched, the nerve in his cheek working overtime. His face, hard and angular, anger simmering below its surface. His rage was almost palpable. Meredith felt the tension building within her chest, rising, forming such a tight knot it seemed impossible to breathe. Next thing she knew her body was jammed against the wall, Derek hard and tight against her. His mouth latched onto hers in a brutal, searing kiss that robbed Meredith of oxygen and reason. Meredith's eyelids fluttered shut, and her hands found their way to the bottom of his scrub shirt. She clutched the hem and held on. Spearing his hands in her hair, Derek's mouth and tongue demanded entrance, which Meredith mindlessly gave. His rage was communicated in every nip, lick and bite of his mouth. He filled her body, mind and senses with utter bliss – causing Meredith to forget how he had made her feel small, abandoned and alone. Derek ravaged her mouth til she barely remembered her name, let alone why she was angry with him. All she could think of was the warm feeling unfurling in the pit of her belly.

When Derek finally released her mouth, he rested his forehead against hers. Eyes closed, gasping for oxygen, his body settled even closer against her, as if trying to absorb every inch of her. His hands traced their way down over her shoulder and arms, to loop tightly around her waist. He nuzzled the softness of her hair, pressing soft kisses above her ear. Desperate for oxygen, Meredith's heaving chest struggled to expand against the wall of his. The absolute hardness of his erection jabbed against her.

Derek brushed his lips lightly, soothingly, reverently, three times to Meredith's sore and swollen mouth. With each touch, he whispered a word against it. Collectively, they found their way to the heart of Meredith's soul through the mindless sensual haze he created.

I. Love. You.

Derek reluctantly released her well-kissed mouth and left Meredith behind in the dark oncall room. The sound of her beeper startled Meredith. Pulling in a deep, cleansing breath, she ran out of the room to answer it.


	13. Chapter 13

"Are we walking or driving?" Mark reached into the pocket of his leather jacket for his car keys as he and Derek, briefcases in hand, strolled through the almost empty Seattle Grace parking lot to their cars. It was late, at the end of a long shift and time for their usual shot of scotch at Joe's. They should be able to make last call.

"Not tonight."

"Oh, do you have plans with a certain resident that you're not telling me about?" Mark blandly inquired. News of Meredith and Derek in the scrub room this morning had made the rounds of the hospital at lightning speed. He couldn't remember Derek going off like that for as long as he's known him. Mark found the latest development very interesting.

"What did you hear?" Derek sighed, running a hand over his weary face. He had heard the whisperings all day since he had gone angry caveman on Meredith and dragged her off to an oncall room. His rage over the Suit Guy and sex rumors had lessened some as his shift dragged on. He didn't regret the kiss one bit, but he was sorry his behavior had been so public. He wondered if Meredith was pissed at him. All he needed was to give her another reason to hate him. He needed to talk to her.

"I lost track of all the places you dragged Grey off to. I think my office was mentioned at least once," Mark chuckled. "Did you? Do I need to sanitize my couch or desk?"

"No," Derek shook his head. "Besides, I thought you did that on a regular basis anyway."

"Why would I when I use your office?"

Derek half chuckled as they reached his car. "I have something to do, so raincheck?"

"Sure man, don't worry about it." With a wave, Mark continued on to his car in the next slip, but Derek's comment stopped him.

"She won't talk to me." Derek stood by the driver-side door, staring at the keys in his hand. "I keep trying, but she won't."

Mark turned to face Derek across the hood of his car. "I can hardly blame her, Shep." Not really sure what to say, he moved to the driver's side of his car.

"Kick a man while he's down, why don't you..." Derek grumbled. "So how do I get back the woman I love...?" It was a conversation they've had a number of times. Normally it was one-sided. He'd talk and Mark would sit and drink.

"I hope you're not expecting me to believe you're talking about Meredith." Mark interrupted, all traces of humor missing from his voice. Some inner gremlin pushed him to press a few more buttons. "Derek, You're my brother. Until my dying days, I will be sorry for what I did to you with Addison. But I'm finding it hard to believe you love Meredith."

"How in the hell can you say that to me?" Derek's jaw hung open. Mark's words almost knocked him sideways. He looked at Mark, squinting, trying to believe those words really came from his mouth.

"How in the hell can you tell me that you love her?" Mark snorted. "You stayed with Addison, and you kissed Rose. You left her, Derek. You left her twice for other women. And telling her you don't think you want to breathe for her anymore?" Mark shook his head in disgust. "That's not love, man."

"You're the original manwhore, Mark. You don't know anything about it." Pissed off, Derek turned to unlock his car door. All Mark did was fuck and run. Mark didn't know squat about his love for Meredith.

"I loved Addie," Mark stated, speaking in a monotone voice. "Always did, but she wanted you. So I stayed away and fucked around. Thought I could move on, but, I didn't. Then you guys fell apart. After you left, and we were together, I freaked out cause I was in so deep with her, scared the shit out of me. I finally had what I wanted, and didn't know how to handle it. So I did what I did best. I went out and fucked around. Addie's in California and I'm here. So I know, Shep. I know."

When Derek failed to respond, Mark sighed. Did he go too far? Did he just undo all his hard work? Head down, Derek seemed to be studying the bits of dust on the roof of Mark's car. The parking lot lights reflective on its dull surface. Mark noticed the rapid blink of Derek's eyelids.

"I can't believe I said that to her."

"Ya know Shep, when you told me that, I couldn't either," Mark agreed. "But what surprised me even more, is that Meredith stuck around. You basically told her that she was too much work for you, and she stuck around."

"Yeah," Derek sniffed. "She did, didn't she?"

"And that was after you decided the vet was the better guy."

"I do love her, Mark." He had to strain a bit to hear Derek's whispered reply. "I can't breathe without her."

Mark watched as Derek took a swipe at his wet cheeks. "Yeah, well good luck getting her to believe that."

"Get rid of him."

"Who?" Mark knew who, but couldn't resist playing dumb. He glanced around the parking lot, wishing too late that they had taken the discussion elsewhere. Luckily no members of the Seattle Grace grapevine were looking for their cars.

"You know who I'm talking about. Suit Guy. Make him stay away from Meredith."

"Uh," Mark coughed to cover up his chuckle. "Sorry but no can do. The man has me by the financial balls. Besides, Nic is happy to breathe for her." Mark resisted the urge to cringe. He couldn't believe he said that last bit.

"Fuck you, Mark" Derek unlocked his car and threw his briefcase in the back seat. Mark could hear a thud as the case flew across the seat and hit the back passenger door. Derek slammed the door shut before grabbing the driver's door. He smiled at Derek's pissy anger.

"Derek."

"What?" Derek growled. He kept his back to Mark as he paused in the open door.

"This isn't my fault, so don't put it on me if someone is sniffing around Grey."

The smoking squeal of Derek's tires as he sped out of the parking lot gave Mark his reply. Still smiling, Mark unlocked his car and slid into the driver's seat.


	14. Chapter 14

(This update is on the porny side – so if you're not of an age to be reading this – don't! Many, many, many thanks to those reading and commenting.)

Meredith sighed with relief as she turned on the faucet and shoved her tired hands in the falling stream of hot water. She successfully clipped the aneurysm, and the patient made it through the surgery without any surprises or complications. It was at times like this that Meredith enjoyed her work as a surgeon. Looking out at the operating room as she scrubbed out, the shiny silver surfaces, hi-tech equipment, bright lights, the surgical fellow closing up for Meredith as the nurses moved about. Right now, life was good. And she knew it would be even better after her shift.

"Dr. Grey?"

"Yes Dr. Littlejohn?" Meredith made room for the fourth-year resident at the sink.

"I'm assuming you want me to do follow up tonight on Mrs. Greathouse?" Dr. Littlejohn tossed his blood-stained gloves in the bin and reached for a soap package.

Meredith nodded. "Yes. Dr. Michaels is on call tonight, but if you can't reach him if there's a problem, page me."

Dr. Littlejohn nodded. He enjoyed working with Dr. Grey. She really knew her way around the nervous system, and was as good as her legendary mother, if not better. Dr. Grey treated interns and residents with a firm, but at times kind, hand. His fellow residents battled amongst themselves to work with her. While her surgery schedule was demanding, he knew Dr. Grey valued her private time. She never failed to come in when needed, but if anything happens with Mrs. Greathouse overnight, he'd page her as a last resort.

"Will do, Dr. Grey."

With a nod, Meredith finished drying her hands before pushing through the scrub room door. Stopping at the nurse's station, Meredith reached for Mrs. Greathouse's chart.

"I can say, with complete honesty and humility, I rock!"

"I've always admired your sense of modesty." Meredith chortled as she signed her name to the chart.

"Hey," Cristina pulled off her scrub cap, releasing her wildly curling black strands of hair. "My standstill operation rocked! And since it was my operation...so did I."

"You just like saying the word 'rock.'"

"And 'standstill.' So sue me," Cristina shrugged. "Let's eat."

Meredith and Cristina were walking down the hallway when a dark blue scrub-clad figure appeared out of nowhere to grab Meredith by the arm. Rolling her eyes, Cristina waved to Meredith as she was forcibly escorted in the opposite direction. Wide-eyed, Meredith looked to her person for help, but Cristina just shook her head and kept going.

Keeping a firm grip on her arm, Derek threw open the oncall room door and pushed Meredith, and her sense of déjà vu, inside the room. The stillness of the darkened space magnified the audible click of the door lock. Without a single touch to her tense body, Derek's forward momentum guided Meredith until her back met the wall. Her breathing labors as the electricity vibrates between them, and she tries to ignore the goose bumps covering her soft skin. Meredith's eyes widen fractionally as his hands come up to gently cup her face, his thumbs gently trace the fullness of her bottom lip. Her arms want to embrace Derek, but they remain limp at her sides.

Derek slid his arms around Meredith, pulling her hard and tight against him as his mouth slanted over hers in a soul-stealing kiss. The heat of his erection radiated into her, arousal tingling through her, consuming her from head to toe. Her eyelids clench shut as his mouth robs her body of its last breath. Struggling to breathe, Meredith pushed at him. Hard. Surprised, Derek raised his head from hers and gazed into her face. Her mouth is red and full from his kiss. The pupils of her eyes dilated, dark against the green of her irises. Not bothering to hide his smirk, Derek lowered his head again, his mouth smothering hers as his hands pull her legs around his waist. It took a couple of moments for Meredith to realize she was floating toward the bed, and a little bit longer to notice her scrubs were missing – as were Derek's.

Meredith found herself on her back, looking up at Derek as he came down beside her, the bedsprings groaning from the weight of their bodies. It was minute and hard to see, but his hand visibly shook as it smoothed her hair away from her face. Derek gently kissed the soft curve of her shoulder as he slipped between her legs, his body moving over her.

"I missed you."

While the feel of his hands and body made her melt, Derek's declaration made Meredith shiver. She could barely form the words of her reply, her legs moving to invite him in. "You did?" Derek's body jerked as Meredith's fingers groped the sides of his waist, pulling him firmly into the heat of her thighs. "Why did you miss me?" She gasped as Derek's tongue found the rosy tip of her right breast, laving it into a tight pebble before he suckled hard. Her back arched off the bed, smashing her breast into the moist cavern of his mouth.

"Because I love you," Derek whispered against her puckered nipple, grinding his cock against the wetness of her mound. He moved quickly, slamming into her core before Meredith could react. The instinctive flexing of her hips drove Derek deeper, harder and faster. His lungs begged for oxygen as his hips turned their world into heat, sensation and scent. Meredith's moan started low in her throat. It grew louder and more frantic until she cried out his name. Her name rasped from his lips as her inner muscles convulsed around him, grabbing hard and not letting go while he pulsed within.

Needing to feel all of her against his spent body, Derek collapsed on top of her. Their bodies still joined, Derek's head nestled the crook of her neck, her lavender scent filling him. One of her hands drifted up, spearing trembling fingers into the sweaty curls at nape of his neck, as the other rested across his back. Their chests expanded and contracted in unison for long minutes after.

"Derek?"

"Hmmm?" His lips brushed against the base of her neck.

"Happy Anniversary."

She felt the upward turn of his lips against her skin as Derek slipped out of her and rolled to the side. He pulled her limp body against his side. "Happy Anniversary."

_FLASHING BACK TO 15 YEARS EARLIER..._

"I'm telling you, everyone's talking about you and McDreamy in the scrub room." Izzie licked the chocolate frosting off her thumb before biting into the fresh baked chocolate cupcake. "Especially with his nurse, I mean that nurse, still in the OR. I know he broke up with her, but she saw the whole thing." She made herself comfortable at Meredith's kitchen table.

It was late, and the house had settled into a quietness that usually lulled the occupants into sleep. Exhaustion helped, but no one could sleep tonight. And when no one could sleep, Izzie fired up the oven. The aroma of freshly baked chocolate cupcakes filled the kitchen. Meredith poured herself and Izzie glasses of milk to go with the cupcakes, and breathed in the wonderful chocolately scent. "I don't care who was where or saying what." Her lips still tingled from the kiss. Even though it happened earlier this morning, Meredith could still the weight of Derek's mouth against hers.

"So where did you go?"

"Go?"

"Derek was spotted dragging you into an oncall room, a linen closet, and a sedated patient's room." Izzie's mouth was full of cupcake. She eagerly awaited the bit of gossip. "Which was it?"

"A sedated patient's room?" Meredith giggled. "You've got to be kidding? That's tacky!" She sat down opposite Izzie and carefully slid across a glass of milk. Izzie pushed the plate of cupcakes toward her.

"So what is going on with you and Derek? And what about Suit Guy?"

"Derek and I are...I don't know." Meredith studied the cupcakes for a moment before grabbing one. "We're not anything, but I don't know."

"Well you know he dropped the nurse, right?" Izzie asked.

"I think I heard something about it." Meredith murmured, biting into the warm, moist chocolate cupcake. She had a memory of Derek, as they stood outside Joe's, telling her that Rose was gone. And he had been sad at her lack of enthusiasm at his announcement. He couldn't have been expecting her to jump gleefully into his arms, right? He walked away from her to another woman, again, and expected things between them to be all happily ever after?

"I can't believe the woman was stupid enough to think she had a shot in hell with him." Izzie rolled her eyes. "She's a nurse, the backbone of the grapevine. She's had to have heard the whole saga of you two." She looked to Meredith for a response, but Meredith seemed to be elsewhere. "Meredith," Izzie tossed a piece of cupcake at her. "Earth to Meredith."

Meredith brushed the chocolately pieces from her face. "What?"

"And you and Suit Guy...?" Izzie prompted.

"Nic and I are...ok." Meredith couldn't help but smile at the thought of Suit Guy. Nic. He was perfect in every way. Good looking, successful, awfully sweet and funny. But he wasn't...Derek. She was amazed by the patience Nic had shown over the past few months as Meredith recuperated from Derek's dumping her. But he wasn't Derek. Meredith knew she needed to have her head examined.

"Are you going to tell him about Derek?"

Meredith chuckled at the look on Izzie's face. She was seriously fishing for information. "There's nothing to tell. Besides, Nic and I are just friends."

"Have you even kissed Suit Guy?"

"Izzie." Meredith protested, rolling her eyes.

"Seriously Meredith, what are you doing?" Izzie set down her cupcake, wiping her hands on a napkin. "How many times are you going to let Derek do this? He dropped you for Addison, and now this nurse? What the hell is his problem? Now you have Suit Guy. He's great! Why do you have to think about this?"

"It's complicated," Meredith sighed. She had taken time to retrace their steps in the mess that was their relationship, up until the kiss that shattered them. And Meredith saw things weren't simply black and white. She wondered if Derek ever would.

"If it helps, that nurse tried to get back with Derek, and he told her 'thanks, but no thanks' and that you were 'it' for him."

"That's just gossip, Iz." Meredith shook her head. She seriously doubted Derek would turn down any dates – Rose or no Rose.

"No, it's not."

"How do you know for sure?"

"Because I was there. I heard the whole thing." Izzie sipped her glass of milk with the confidence of someone in the know. "I was across from the nurses' station when she hit on him, and Derek turned her down flat."

Meredith sat back in her chair. That surprised her.

"And I've heard of other females hitting on him, other than nurses, and he's turned them all down. Won't even go out for a drink." Izzie pursed her lips. "Not even coffee from the coffee cart."

Now she was shocked. Borderline stunned. Derek was officially free and clear of her, and he was turning down dates? She thought he was searching for someone to fit neatly and quickly into the slot he had carved out in his future.

Derek wasn't sure how long he stood outside her house, on the front sidewalk, looking. It was late, but he understood that when he knocked on the front door, someone would answer, because lights were on downstairs. Since her Jeep was in the driveway, Derek knew Meredith was home. She had to be. She'd better not be out with jackass Suit Guy. Fisting his clenched hands in the pockets of his leather jacket, Derek continued staring at the house.

"I know what it's like to fuck something up." Alex stepped up along side Derek. Coming home from his late shift, Alex thought he had been seeing things when he spotted him. Couldn't believe Shepard was standing in front of the house. He was staring. Again. Damn, is that all the guy does is stare? They both looked at the house. "You fuck it up because you know that you'll eventually fuck it up. So, why not cut to the chase? It hurts less that way." Alex pushed thoughts of Izzie from his brain. "I know Mer isn't totally innocent in this, and you sure as hell aren't, but if you fuck her over again, boss or no boss, I'm gonna kick your ass back to New York." Grasping Derek's arm, Alex marched him up the sidewalk and through the front door. Following the scent of baking and sound of voices, he dragged a compliant Derek into kitchen.

"Meredith, you have a visitor." Alex announced as he dropped Derek's arm. He grabbed a cupcake and Izzie's hand, removing her from the kitchen and abandoning Derek inside the door. Uncomfortable, Derek shifted his feet as he watched Meredith. The smear of chocolate on her lower lip called to his tongue. He bit down on it, hard, to stop himself.

"What are you doing here?"

"We need to talk." Derek wasn't going to walk away again from her – the best thing that ever happened to him – and he had to make her understand that.


	15. Chapter 15 The End

[This is it – the end. I hope the wrap up makes everyone happy. I'm kind of sad to see this go. It's my first completed fic. And from the bottom of my heart, thanks to everyone kind enough to leave comments. And Dee – my e-sis – big thanks for your help. :wub:

Derek stood in the doorway, uncertain and awkward. He didn't know if he should sit at the table or stay by the door. As much as he wanted to move closer to Meredith, he decided to stay where he was. With any luck, she might invite him to sit down, taking the fact she hasn't thrown him out yet as a good sign.

Not sure what to say, Meredith focused her attention on her partially eaten cupcake. The paper wrapper felt rough to the touch as she tore it reveal more of the chocolaty treat. Their silence made her uncomfortable, until she realized that while Derek could make her feel uncomfortable at the hospital, but she wasn't going to let him do it in her own house.

"You don't get to do this." Meredith glared at him.

"Meredith..."

"Don't 'Meredith' me. You left me. Twice. There is no 'third time is a lucky thingy' or whatever."

"All I want you to do is listen to me." Derek didn't realize he was holding his breath until the brightly lit kitchen started to lose focus. "Please." Inhaling deeply, he watched Meredith bite into her cupcake. When the tip of her tongue darted out to catch a crumb from the corner of her mouth, it was all he could do not remove the crumb himself. To touch her lips. "Just listen to what I need to say to you, and then..."

"And then...?"

The lift of Derek's shoulders was slight. "What ever happens..." With a heavy heart, he gestured to an empty chair at the kitchen table. "May I?"

"No." Meredith surprised herself by denying Derek a seat. He could stay by the door, and away from her. It was hard to think when he was near.

Sad, Derek nodded once, making sure he made eye contact with Meredith. He hated seeing the anger and pain shadowing the depths of her green eyes. He knew the eyes were known as the windows to our souls, and Derek hoped Meredith could see how his overflowed with love for her. Only for her. And that would help her be receptive to what he came to say. If she let him say it.

"Why are you doing this?" Meredith leaned back in her chair, to put more space between them. She knew this would be a waste of time, listening to Derek spout off another round of empty promises. But...she couldn't help herself. Beneath all the layers of the ruins of their relationship, still hid a tiny ray of hope. No matter how hard she tried to snuff it out, it still shimmered from time to time.

Derek stuffed his hands in the front pockets of his jeans. "Because I need to."

"Like you needed to kiss Rose?"

"I didn't need to kiss her," Derek denied. "I panicked and kissed her."

Meredith set her cupcake down on the table before she crushed it between her fingers. That didn't make sense. "You panicked? About what?"

Derek wanted to be calm and cool, but he wasn't. The tension filling the kitchen crushed him, causing his lungs to constrict. He tried to exhale, but it came out as a harsh sound. Here we go. "That you would never be ready for us. For me. That I'd never have the 'happily ever after' I wanted with you."

"Why her?"

His shrug was automatic. "She was...there. She was ready, and...there."

"So what you're saying is that if Cristina or Izzie were ready and standing in her place, you would have kissed them?"

Derek frowned. "No, I wouldn't kiss either of them."

"Why not?"

"Because I wouldn't. They're your friends. I have no interest in kissing them."

"So you were interested in kissing Rose?"

Damn. "No, I wasn't interested in kissing her."

"Then why did you?"

"Will you please let me talk?" At her abrupt nod, Derek crossed the fingers hidden in his pants pocket. "I am sorry I kissed another woman. And I'm sorry I didn't tell you about it. I don't know which is worse, because they're both pretty bad."

Meredith made a point of not reacting or responding to his apology. She knew it was childish, but she didn't care. Sitting there, watching Derek attempting not to lean against the doorjamb, determined to stand upright, again she didn't care. And she didn't care that he looked exhausted, more so than this morning. The dark circles under his eyes weren't a figment of her imagination. But she didn't care. She couldn't. She wasn't supposed to.

"I'm also sorry about how I treated you this morning. I'm not sorry that I kissed you. You don't know how much I miss kissing you, and that was a pretty damn good kiss," Derek bit the inside of his lip to stop a smile from lifting the corners of his mouth as he watched Meredith's teeth gently nibble the bottom of her lip. Was she remembering how he had taken that same lip in his mouth and nipped the very same spot? His own fond memories were distracting him.

Meredith didn't want to tell Derek she also enjoyed the kiss. And also missed kissing him. She didn't want to admit that deep down, Derek's jealousy made her feel better, showing that despite all the crap he's pulled, he did feel something for her. Unfortunately, it kept the little flame of hope alive. "Cristina warned me about the gossip making the rounds. About Nic and me. She said you were pretty upset and all I wanted to do was let you know the rumors weren't true."

Her explanation got his attention. "You're not going to Napa Valley with him?" The shake of her head caused Derek to grasp the doorjamb to keep himself upright. His relief was pretty overwhelming. "So you're not...?"

Meredith couldn't believe Derek had the nerve to ask if she was sleeping with Nic. "THAT is none of your business! I can't believe..." His question left her speechless.

Derek held up his hands, palm up, to try and calm Meredith down. "I'm sorry."

"You keep saying that! Stop it!"

"Why? I am sorry. More than you'll ever know."

Meredith snorted. "Until the next time you lie or walk away."

Her words of doubt cut into him, drawing his posture ramrod straight. But he knew he was the one who put them there. "I will never lie to you or walk away from you again." His blue eyes grew bright with traces of moisture. "I won't."

"You can honestly say that to me with a straight face?" Meredith didn't bother hide the incredulous look on her face. Rolling her eyes, she noticed his serious expression. He was really going to try and make her believe those words?

"I don't care how long it takes for you to accept what I'm saying."

"Derek..."

"Meredith, I'm...sorry for not realizing what a selfish, arrogant ass I've been. I'm sorry that it's taken other people to point this out to me. Hell, why would you trust me?' Trusting a hand through his hair, Derek paced. "I didn't tell you about my wife. And after you told me you loved me, I stayed with her. You tried to move on with that vet, and I wouldn't let you." He fought the bile rising in the back of his throat as the list of his evil deeds grew. "I know you're working on your...issues, and I tell you I'd wait, but then I don't. Why would you want to be with me?"

"Because I loved you."

He hated the past tense usage. "Loved?"

Averting her eyes, Meredith didn't respond.

Hope was fading.' "I realize how and why you were afraid to be with me. But I'm not like your mother and father."

"And how are you not like them?"

"I came back. I'm back, and I'm here for good." Derek's voice was strong.

"What if I don't want you back?"

"Don't you?" His life hung on those two words.

Meredith could tell he didn't like asking the question. "I don't know."

He still had a chance. That's all he had hoped for. Another chance. Derek knew it was his last. "I need to make you understand that I'm waiting."

"For what?"

"For you."

Meredith hated the feeling of disappointed that filled her at his use of those same old words. "I've heard that before. You're waiting, and if someone else happen to come along..."

"I'm not waiting for anyone else. I'm waiting for you."

"Why do you insist in repeating these empty words?" Unable to sit still any longer, Meredith picked up her glass and carried it over to the sink. She kept her back to him as she rinsed and dried.

"Because they're not empty. I am waiting til you are ready for me. For us. I'm waiting."

"Oh yeah? For how long." Meredith's movements at the sink were abrupt. She scrubbed the dirty remains of Izzie's baking.

Derek didn't resent her sarcastic tone. "At least until you finish your residency."

Til the end of residency? That forced her to turn and face him. "Derek, that's five years from now."

"I know."

"So you going from 'Mr. Right Now' to 'Mr. Five Years?'" She really found the line hard to believe.

"I said 'at least.' There's no limit on my waiting. You are the love of my life. There's no one else. And I'm sorry I've put you through hell. But I am waiting for you." Waiting for you to love me again, because now that I can see what I've done, I don't know how you can. But I'm here, and hoping, and praying. "I can't breathe without you."

"And what if I want to date others while you're waiting?"

Derek's throat closed, and was sure Meredith could hear him trying to work past the large lump stuck in it. "You date others." He knew he wasn't in any position to beg her not to date others. Namely, Suit Guy. But Derek was positive he'd still be standing long after Suit Guy disappeared to other pastures. He had to be.

A month after his late night kitchen speech, Meredith decided it was time to invite Derek to sit with her during lunch at Seattle Grace. Her friends stared at Meredith as if she had lost her mind and grumbled amongst themselves over how much they lost in the latest pool. And when Derek seated himself beside Meredith at the table, the cafeteria came to attention. The nursing staff gave Derek the cold shoulder for a while, until Rose reassured her co-workers she held no grudge against Derek as she was quite happy dating her dentist.

While Derek made himself available to Meredith, and she slowly accepted him back into her circle, Meredith continued to see Suit Guy. But after eight more months, Suit Guy could see Meredith's heart wasn't in their relationship. The parted as good friends, maintained an amicable business relationship, and he helped Meredith increase her financial portfolio. Mark Sloan treated him to a weekend in Las Vegas, to help ease the ending of his relationship with Meredith. While taking his mind off of Meredith at the Palms, Suit Guy met a 25-year old cocktail waitress named Jime. They've been together ever since, splitting their time between Seattle, New York and Lake Como, Italy.

Derek remained true to his word. While Meredith's residency lasted a long and grueling five more years, he waited. Painfully, honestly, and solitarily, but patiently. Her ever-increasing schedule left little room for dating, much to Derek's relief. He and Meredith met for breakfast, lunch, dinner and coffee, when their schedules permitted. But Meredith refused to date Derek. Until the last night of her residency. Derek invited Meredith out to dinner to celebrate her new neurosurgery attending status. Before they knew it, one thing led to another, and Melanie Ellis Shepard was born nine months later. And as Meredith and Derek spoke their wedding vows five months before Melanie's arrival, they also exchanged wedding bands with the word 'trust' engraved inside.

For their 15th wedding anniversary, Derek took Meredith to an elegant bed & breakfast nestled in the rolling hills of Napa Valley. They celebrated every wedding anniversary in a certain four-poster bed.


End file.
